I Love Your Look:

These "Targeted Ads" make me sick.

I mean really, Pleated pastel pink pants and a burnt orange cable knit sweater?

Eew.

"I'll take a dozen..."

Hypnotique Sleep Systems:

Are you tired and sluggish?
Have you tried a new mattress?
Do you want to sleep with your husband?
Or not?











How are your spending habits?
Not what they should be this holiday season?
You should try the marvel of modern science and have your brain washed by,

Hypnotique Sleep Systems:

A triumph of technology, this new mattress delivers pulsating microwaves deep into your brain while you sleep through Suggestive Technique Thought Implantation Engram Replacement Therapy. It works to re-calcify purchasing and sexual impulses on the brain through re-culmination depositing. It returns a intricately freshly washed nexus of consumptive sexual behaviors.













100 housewives who recently underwent Suggestive Technique Thought Implantation Engram Replacement Therapy reported;


76% “Now hated what they were wearing.”
83% “Had the urge to purchase luxurious evening gowns.”
87% “Felt compelled to buy things they don’t need.”
93% “Were going to buy a new refrigerator.”
97% “Were purchasing new automotive upholstery.”
99% “Now say they enjoy sleeping with their husbands.”

ENGRAM REPLACEMENT VIDEO

ENGRAM REPLACEMENT VIDEO

For more info visit Hypnotique Sleep Systems:

New Suit:

I'm in the market for a new swimsuit. All of the suits in my regular rotation have become saturated with oil and soiled with tar ball stains. I’ve narrowed it down to a few choices. Want you please help me make the selection?


First up, the ‘Intrusive Invader’.






























































Featuring a specially designed anal hook rear with a full over the shoulder adjustable strap that lets you increase or decrease the amount of pressure. The giant fish hook gives it that 'Catch of the Day' look.
























And anal beads. Once the beads are lubed and popped into place this design is nothing less than startling.





















And an anal probe. It comes with two plugs one for guys just starting and one for the pros.

All interchangeable for one price.






















Next we have the ‘Grey Gun’.
























In see through tricot mesh, it dries quickly.
























Lastly the ‘Feminizer’ in nude. As modeled by K-Fed.
























A fem-style vagina-look suit for all men. A male to female transformation design.























Onlookers not only believe they are viewing a hot girl but that she might also be nude.

Truck Stop Fall Fashion Preview 2009:

This is a very exciting season for Truck Stop Fashion. So much to see so lets get right to it. The following images are just a few of many “looks” seen at this years Highway Fashion Week.



















“Designer rendering of the, ‘Ready for Action Just Jeans Look.”























“Trucker model employing the look”, Simply Devastating!


















“Bold orange jumpsuits are making a splashy comeback, so practical with easy clean-up, no need to change outfits when arrested at the Stop for lewd and lascivious behavior.”
















“Mirrored sunglasses are the perfect touch to top off this plaid vision.”

Editors note: Grungy ball caps were seen all over the lot.
























“Midriff beer belly tog matched with super short shorts and grungy ball cap.”
























“Measuring tape suspenders! For sizing up your man’s beer belly...heaven”
























Designed by yours truly,The latex bondage butt bra for easy access and clean-up. It's all about easy access and clean-up.

From the brand new Mean Dirty Pirate Truck Stop Fashion Collection.

My latest gimmick involves prancing around the lot like a little lost puppy.

And so now for the pieces of resistance, The Puppy Dog Tail Butt Plug.

































With leather harness muzzle combo.
























Order yours today.

Fall Fashion 09:

My couturiers are sending along gouache renderings and fabric samples of the latest Parisian collections. Accompanying each creation a hand written notation detailing exactly, “How smart you would look in this suit...” or “Isn’t this fabric divine for your coloring?”.




















I was so looking forward to “The Bartell Patented Pocket”.



















And matching fabric belts.



















New severe funereal suits with new spats as my old spats are urine stained.



















Item number 220 caught my eye made from the fetching Norfolk sack; stationary sewed on belt and shoulder straps.



















Also number 232 the one button cut-away for corpulent figures.



















I’m just dying for a new shawl collar tuxedo (234) and the most heavenly clerical frock (237).




I haven’t the heart to ring them up and let them know I shan’t be purchasing a new wardrobe this season due to my reduced circumstances during the depression. Oh I’m just sick about it. Sick, Sick, Sick about it. I’ll have to make do with my old tattered frocks and raiments. They’re all so last season, full of gold thread and royal purple, brocades and silks. They’re all too happy.



















This season is about dull lifeless frightfully drab fabrics and decidedly outré, but I still lust after the new, the washed up look is where it’s at.

So I’m going with the new direction. Let the economy dictate fashion. Something with a bare, minimal, existential, Zen feeling about it. Rustic and plain, basic and understated. Too the point of making the statement, “I’m Poor!” and “Brother can you spare a dime” and “Get out of my way the soup kitchen is forming a line”.


I like to call it, "The Clampett Look"

Well Well Well:

Well, the other day while sipping tea and visiting with Reavis I commented on a post about taking pictures of people. See Reavis and I share in a perverse thrill that of taking pictures of people without their permission. He’s so much cleverer than I am about it. Stealth is the key, that and a small camera. I tend to carry around the equivalent of a Panavision 35-millimeter movie camera complete with a rolling dolly and miles of track. So I’m just a tad more obvious.

Well, whilst enjoying a vacation and romantic getaway in a little beach community I stopped by the local grocers to pick up a few things. Limes for cocktails, lip balm, a liter of root beer and syrup for my morning sex and breakfast in bed routine. A little time saver as I like to combine the two activities, it’s ever so scrumptious, pure protein and burns more calories.















Well, as I minced about the store and ambled around the corner with my shopping trug tucked under my arm and up to the counter women I was immediately stricken with a severe case of shoppers ADD (those darn merchandisers are so shrewd that way with checkout end caps.)

Well, by the way (I’m possessed with parenthetical side notes and refrains today).























Well, back to my ADD, first I was taken with the glossy Marilyn Monroe LIFE magazine special anniversary edition of her passing herself on which led me with breakneck to think of TJB's lovely mother who passed away on the same day (I thought of her all day). Double time to the motorized lollipop in the shape of Superman (honestly aren’t people lazy enough without having a machine to whirl a lollipop around on their tongues for them?). Expeditiously and with a hair trigger execution I zero in on the M&M’s (not today too many calories), then instantaneously my short attention turned to the pimply adolescent bag boy and as if not quick enough to rid myself of that unpleasant image, I saw HER.
























Well, her was an exquisite vision of perfection a little frosted cupcake manning the register and charming shoppers into saying, “Thank You”. Yes thank you so much for giving me back so much less money than I gave you. This girl literally stunned me.

Well, she was about 5’-10” with a sun kissed peachy complexion, naturally straight quirky teeth (so cute) gorgeous naturally blond hair (the kind people pay hundreds for) pulled into a twisty ponytail high at the back of her head (note: high ponytail = sexy, low ponytail at the nape of the neck = not so sexy). Startling large azure blue eyes (with white flecks to make’em sparkle) and for accent one simple line of black liner on the upper lid and mascara and to top things off, shiny pink lip gloss on a full ripe pouty mouth. Other than that she was completely nude except for her smock which she managed to make look good (the mark of a true model) and a name tag that read, Brittany (spelled like the place name or region).
























Well, on with my long incoherent rambly story, I paid for my purchases then I got the idea of taking her photograph. “May I take your photograph?” I asked. She squinched her face a little and sort of pursed her lips (very attractively I might add which isn’t easy to do, another sign of true modeldom) and was sort of nodding her head tacitly but not a definite NO but not a definite YES either. I casually mention that I have a friend that scouts for models. I was also thinking the bloglot of you people might spot her and pass her on to the appropriate agencies as well.























Well, bag boy looked away from her only for a nanosecond (he stares at her like a loving obedient puppy able to bag in a single bound without taking his eyes off of her) and looked at me and back at her and said, “Oh yes let him” She was still uncertain and at this point the rather plain checkout girl (with loads of sassy personality) the aisle over said, “Oh yes let him”. About this time the (jolly but decidedly dowdy) manager waltzes up and behind her like a guard dog (this girl obviously has rare super powers of persuasion to make minions do as she pleases) and I asked, “Would it be alright if I were to take her picture” and she nodded and said, “I don’t mind if she doesn’t”. Brittany was still undecided.

Well, I said, “Hey do you wanna work at the supermarket or do you wanna be on Seventeen magazine?” She didn’t reply. So I politely said, “Well, Thank You anyway” and left. The next day I returned and marched right up to her line, she smiled a little mischievous but awkward smile said hello and proceeded to check me out. The sassy girl the aisle over said, “did you bring your camera with you today?” I laughed then said rather imperiously, “Oh nooo I wouldn’t dream of taking her picture now.” Then I grabbed my bag and stalked out in huff.


















Well, I was so tempted to just come back and take her picture anyway (you know steal her soul and suck out her essence) but to do that would invade her privacy and rob her of her super powers of persuasion (of which I’m immune) and then my spiteful nature kicked in and I decided to stop stalking her and let her languish in the Publix, The Supermodel of the Supermarket World.

My Clinique Girl:

Beauty Tip:

"Be Familiar with your local Clinique girl."

Clinique + Technician = Clinician

























“Dis my girl Clin’eesha...she a Clinician ovah dare at da Clinques at da maw...”

If I Could Sell Time in a Bottle:

It’s a little depressing to go through your morning routine and while wiping the steam from the mirror for a shave realize the visage staring back at you is your fathers. Believe it girls it really does happen unless you tend to favor your mother and then you are on your on. Of course this is all relative and if after undergoing a transsexual reassignment surgery, I suppose finding your mother staring back at you would be a welcoming sign of success and who in their right mind wants to undergo reassignment surgery to become a middle aged woman?

That said growing into my forties and a more mature version of myself I expected an episode of mid life crisis but nothing of the sort has occurred. I do enjoy the salt and pepper effect that is becoming more salt than pepper lately but sadly the face just sort of goes around forty. The skin becomes less resilient and everything you eat drink or breathe shows up the next day. Crows feet become caverns and the elasticity under the eyes leave a permanent shallow.

I plan to age gracefully but I tend to watch the media and familiar contemporaries with faces that were once new sadly growing older along side me more closely. I’m not a huge fan of celebrities that magically age in reverse and flippantly toss their heads about with tight necks and eyes responding to claims of surgery with a standard denial. It works for some and not for others.

Debbie Harry recently went in for her sixty thousand mile retread and looks like a million while others seem more ready to take on the mantle of horror show hostess. Some days I like who I see in the mirror and other days I use more products in a vain effort to retard the ravages of time. I know what my father looks like at seventy so it’s inevitable and also in the genes. He’s handsome for an older gentleman and I hope to be the same.

Today while perusing the blogs I look down the list and see The Sartorialist and think to myself enough with the election and economy I need a dose of pretty. Imagine my relief to find Lauren Hutton attending a fashion event looking fabulous. Aging gracefully with a certain dignity that comes from conviction and self-assurance. She’s comfortable in her aging skin and as a result she glows with radiant confidence.

What Not To Wear:

I was going through my racks of clothes in my double closet and suddenly became a petulant little girl throwing a tantrum. I have nothing to wear! I hate my clothes! I really wanted a certain item but was just not able to locate it. So I threw a fit.

This time of economic hardship just makes me want to go shopping for things I don’t need and buy things I won’t wear. Then I got a really good idea. What if I went to Goodwill and bought about a hundred dollars worth of rags and took pictures of me wearing these awful ensembles then sent the pictures to What Not To Wear.

Ta Da. Problem solved. Clinton and Stacey would feel so sorry for me that they would burn my Goodwill duds and give me a brand new five thousand dollar wardrobe. Plus I would get to keep my actual wardrobe. Plus I would totally get to sleep with Clinton. Plus Plus Plus.

Fall Wardrobe:

It’s the first day of fall but it still feels like Hot to me. Here on the Gulf of Mexico we get two seasons, Hot and Cold. Somewhere around Thanksgiving it suddenly changes to Cold. Then miraculously around the second week of February it becomes Hot.

Occasionally we do get that crisp day and I find myself rooting through the attic for my Cold clothes. Then I realize that I don’t have any fall colors. Then I rush to the laundry mat armed with bottles of RIT dye.

*Attention Shoppers*

“Very square pocket squares are now being sold in ‘Gay Hanky Code Colors’ Yellow and Brown hanky users please keep your activities in color coded designated areas. Also, Earl, we have code yellow and brown clean ups on aisles 2, 7, 13, and 21.”

*Thanks for shopping at Mr. Kitty's House of Gay Fashions*

Cindy Cindy Cindy:

That Cindy McCain is one sharp cookie sporting a little black sling at a press conference today. Imagine using an injury to garner sympathy votes this early in the election campaign. She's genius. Poor Cindy's not accustomed to using her arms and hands for manual tasks as she relies on slaves for that. No polishing the silver or beating cake batter for our little Miss Cindy. Centuries of selective pampered breeding can leave ones wrist bones a little frail. What was she doing shaking hands with commoners in the first place? Foolish Cindy. My only problem with the whole ploy is that she wasn’t able to beat her couturier into stitching up a sling to match her ensemble.

Reality Fashion:

I watch Project Runway simply because I love fashion. One day it’s IN the next day it’s OUT then it’s in again then it’s out, in and out, out and in. My closet is beginning to develop a complex. *CLOSET CRISIS* Highlights would be when Heidi says, “You’re out, GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT AND OFF OF MY RUNWAY”. I like it when Michael Kors gets tickled and Nina Garcia just because she speaks English with a lovely accent. English should always be spoken with a lovely accent, there’s only three kinds, foreign, Southern and British.

The good designers squeak by and are usually safe, robbing the audience of up close inspection and critique of the garment, and the bad ones hang around no matter what they trot out.

This week’s passive aggressive stand out was Joe Faris, his Ego and overuse of the phrase, “Let the fashion games begin.” Convinced he was going to win the challenge with an uneven patriotic skort. Phew.

Blayne Walsh struggling with his tanning issues.

Korto Momolu with her beautiful clothes and dour personality saying, “It’s about freaking time”.

So friends here’s a condensed recap of the show, a reader’s digest version if you will.

Spring Fashion 09:

Well as I told my few readers recently that nude rifle hunting was going to be big this fall another urgent fashion report has come across my desk this time for Spring 09. This just in from the NSFW or Nudism Society of Fashion Wearers: “Fashion capitals across the globe have indicated that nude baseball uniforms have made a comeback.”

This is incredible news for fans of the sport, a return to a more streamlined classic look. Lets hope this will be a trend that we’ll continue to see more and or less of in future seasons of athletics across the board.

An NSFW source had this to say, “As I recall professional sports haven’t seen a minimalist approach in baseball attire since the days of Babe Ruth and we all know how disastrous that was. It’s a welcome change as uniforms have become garish, unimaginative and tight fitting in past decades.”

Fall Fashion 08:

Listen up folks because I rarely do nice things. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, plaid shirts are going to be really big this Fall. I pronounce it “IN” and nude rifle hunting while wearing plaid shirts, HUGE...big big big. Remember you heard it here first.

Movies and Interviews:

________________________________________________________

The Roller Boogie Movie:

















“So you know how I’m a huge Linda Blair fan right? No? Oh yeah Linda Blair and I go way back. I used to ride my bike up to the Meadow Brook Cinema 6 when I was a kid and see matinees for two-fifty. I saw the trailer for Linda Blair in the Roller Boogie movie, the next Saturday I was there watchin' it. I wanted to be her.”

So does this fascination with Linda Blair continue to this day?

“Oh yeah...like just this other day, well a couple months ago really I was on Ebay searchin' for stuff and I came up on that purple silk shirt she wore in the Roller Boogie movie. You know the one I’m talkin' about? No? It’s purple and iridescent and she belts it over a pair of purple spandex leggin’s and leotard. It's all roller disco color coordinated purple for Linda Blair in the Roller Boogie movie.”


















Looks hot. Did you bid on it?

“No”

Why not?

“Cause it was fif’teen hunard dollars that’s why. I figured I could get one like it at a thrift store and just tell ever’body that it was the one Linda Blair wore in the Roller Boogie movie. The auction did offer a really good deal though. An autographed 8x10 Screen shot and the DVD cover both featurin' Linda Blair wearin' the shirt.”






















*LINDA BLAIR SCREEN WORN "ROLLER BOOGIE" SHIRT *

This is YOUR chance to own a piece of HOLLYWOOD HISTORY! This is a very wise buy! It can only go up in value!

Linda located this wardrobe piece in her archives and is auctioning it off for charity! All to help abandoned and abused animals!

This is the only wardrobe piece from the film in existence. This is it!

Fans of the Movie should act now!

You will receive:

The Roller Boogie Shirt! An 8x10 Screen Shot of Linda wearing the shirt! An 8x10 of the DVD cover featuring the shirt!

ALL ITEMS SIGNED TO YOU OR WHOMEVER YOU WOULD LIKE by LINDA BLAIR, herself!

This is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME PACKAGE!

















Starting bid: US $1,499.99

Ended: Apr-16-08 11:44:00 PDT

Shipping costs:Calculate

Ships to: United States

Item location: Toluca Lake, CA, United States

History: 0 bids



Purple Silk Shirt on Ebay

________________________________________________________

The Blade Runner Movie:
















“Well a few years later my older brother made me skip school and get high and go see a movie with him. My parents were out of town and he was supposed to be watchn’ us and we went to see the Blade Runner movie with Harrison Ford. That movie changed my world. Harrison Ford had a fine ass short haircut, a nice ass apartment, and cool ass futuristic clothes. I wanted to be him.”














So what steps did you take to be more like Harrison Ford in the movie Blade Runner?

“I liked his stuff. I liked his piano with tons of pictures and the whole Frank Lloyd Wright stamped concrete motif all over the place. I’ve been saving little pieces of stuff for a long time and one day I’m goin’ to redecorate my life and house and wardrobe and be like Harrison Ford in the Blade Runner movie.”






















Wow that sounds ambitious?

“Yeah and time consuming. I recently found the company that makes Harrison Ford’s barware in the Blade Runner movie, do you know the glass I mean? No? Well he uses several different sizes all in the same distinctive pattern: shot glass, high ball, old fashion. Well them I-talian’s sure think a lot about their stuff cause they aint cheap. I thought I’d register it as my pattern when I get married one day to Harrison Ford in the Blade Runner movie.”






















So you want to marry the Harrison Ford character that was in the movie Blade Runner?

“Definitely. I want to be Rachael the robot. You know the one I mean? No? I want to be her. Well Sean Young plays Rachael the robot in the Blade Runner movie. She has these outfits that look like they’re from the 40's and she has a Joan Crawford hair-do. You know the kind all wound up on her head, with lots of pins to hold it together. Sean Young in the Blade Runner movie playin’ a robot sits down at the piano covered in pictures and, she looks like a Hallmark card, then casually undoes her hair and lets it down into soft curls...no pins in sight.”














You wanted to be the robot? Instead of being the Harrison Ford character in the movie Blade Runner?

“Yeah she had better wardrobe and hair-do’s. Oh and she didn’ have a built in life span. She could live forever with Harrison Ford in the Blade Runner movie until he’s old and dead while she remains young, beautiful, mysterious and dangerous.”