Showing posts with label Christmas:. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas:. Show all posts
Shanda's Christmas Victory:
So last year we had a rare viewing of my 1983 film, “These Christmas Decorations are Shocking”. A video made to entertain guests at a Christmas party. It was really about the Emerald City, a homo bar, whom the owner would over decorate his yard and make a holiday destination/spectacle for all the townsfolk to ride by and ooh and ahh about.
The next year the hosts asked me to do another one. My cohort in this crime Roy Magee had the brilliant idea to make more fun of the homo bar owner, Corky. That was fine by me since I was out of ideas anyway. My story stemmed from some of the jokes at the party the year before about the fact that if he added another strand of lights to his yard he would plunge the whole town into total darkness.
I decided to make Corky a villain. I renamed him Corkscrooge and invented the idea that he steals all the power to run his lights leaving the villagers without electricity. We needed a central character and owing to the fact that he hated women, calling them FISH, I created a heroine. So enter Shanda Leer.
Thrill to the action as Shanda saves the day all in the name of womanhood.
Enjoy and Merry Christmas to us all…especially women.
Christmas Present:
Years ago my Mom would sit me down in front of the department store Christmas catalogues and say, “Circle what you like and I’ll make sure Santa knows what you want.” Then she’d hand me a,
And I would study the pages and pick out the things I wanted.
I was never disappointed when I unwrapped the presents under the tree.
Here are some of the things in Christmas past that I circled.
The groovy clock.
Dapper Dan.
Leopard print jammies.
Snoopy.
Robots.
Lava Lamps.
Lester AND Hugo.
Barbie’s Karosel Kitchen. I know, I know, I cried when I got a baseball mitt until my dad went to the store and got it for me. 
So Christmas present has not been good. Really it's been horrible. We all get the Christmas we deserve.
Here’s a list of things I want Santa to bring me this year.
Auntie Mame’s Chinese front door. Complete with eye holes and smoke. Just like the ladies room at the oriental theater.
Robbie the Robot! With real working subservient behavior. Able to make a dress from diamonds!
An I-Victrola.
The Jill Munroe Paper Doll. 
I WANNA BE MISS TRUCK STOP FAVORITE! Just once in my life, I wanna be the FAVORITE. Not including second grade class favorite.
Here’s my Christmas Music Extravaganza. It’s filled with groovy music. Not your ordinary playlist! Listen to it.
Happy/Merry blah blah blah.
Last Christmas:
I gave you my work, the very next day you packed it away...
Remember last year when I was too busy to blog because I was decorating a friends place? Well what I didn’t share with you was that the joint was being staged rather than decorated. Yes, staged for a photo shoot and then a party.
Let me show you around,
Don’t be too picky as I’m only responsible for most of the work. If you like it, then I did it. If you don’t, then it was the work of the home owner. 
The foyer, (foy-yay), as it’s pronounced in a proper Southern accent. This tree literally swallowed ornaments. The Hungry Christmas Bitch!
The upstairs Art Deco drawing room.
The front parlor, (paa-lah).
The Louis style commode in the dining room. Showcasing my latest invention, Instant Drapery. See what you do is…go to Home Depot and buy $6.00 drop cloths then clip’em, poof’em and zhoozh’em.
The glorious wreath I made from scratch. My girlfriend Heather said, “Oh no, no, no, You can’t cover up a mirror like that…all the girls will want to check themselves in it, you have to take it down!” Turns out it was the highlight of the Christmas party. If you stood to the left of the wreath and a cameraman stood to the right, then your face magically appeared inside the wreath. Next day it was everyone’s new Facebook picture. Heather said, “Woah, I misjudged that one.” See darling that’s why I’m the professional Kringle here…
The dining room table by Knoll in extinct Brazilian rosewood with extremely fussy Christmas table runner centerpiece, I call it, “Leftover Christmas Doo-Dad Jewelry on White Porcelain”. 
Lindsey Mae the harlequin Great Dane lying on her throne.
Tidings of Comfort and Joy:
“Have you met my twins? This is Comfort and this is Joy. To be quite honest with you Joy has been more of a comfort to me and Comfort has been a bit of a disappointment really…”
The Christmas Gift:
What’s this? There’s blood all over my patio.
Oh look there’s Hemi cat lounging in the sun.
But what’s that next to him?
It’s my annual Christmas squirrel.
There he is bearing his prized Christmas gift.
I know someone who’s going to have a lonely Christmas.
A Merry Christmas to everybody.
Tis:
Can’t blog now. Too busy. Busy busy busy. Sometimes it sucks to be so fabulous. Especially at Christmas time. Everybody wants you to sling Christmas up at their houses.
MORE CHRISTMAS MORE CHRISTMAS IT’S NOT CHRISTMASY ENOUGH!
I mean a twelve foot tree with a glacier of shiny silver laced through it with 800,000,000 dozen ornaments...and it’s still not enough? Lady your tree is eating ornaments. What do you want from me? I made a $1000 wreath from scratch out of $2.00 worth of shit. My fingers are bleeding.
I’ve begun to hate Christmas.
MORE CHRISTMAS MORE CHRISTMAS IT’S NOT CHRISTMASY ENOUGH!
I mean a twelve foot tree with a glacier of shiny silver laced through it with 800,000,000 dozen ornaments...and it’s still not enough? Lady your tree is eating ornaments. What do you want from me? I made a $1000 wreath from scratch out of $2.00 worth of shit. My fingers are bleeding.
I’ve begun to hate Christmas.
These Christmas Decorations are Shocking:
Many years ago I was asked to make a little movie to entertain some friends at a Christmas party. I agreed but was at a loss as to what the subject matter should be. Then I remembered taking little trips at night with my grandmother and her sisters to marvel at the electric lights all over town. We would drive around and stop and get out while aunt Bess snapped a few pictures for her scrap book.
Anyway the owner of the local homo bar was to be at this party. He was flamboyant with one of those (rare these days) flamboyant homo decorated homes. Each Christmas he would pull out all the stops and over decorate the yard with a million lights and vignettes then on Christmas Eve he would dress as Santa and climb the roof and give presents to the lil’chilren. Mostly it was for publicity.
The crowd attending this party would sort of snicker behind his back about all the fuss he made each year, “I would hate to get his power bill...” and “She’s such a show off...always outdoing everyone” and my favorite, “If he adds one more strand of lights the whole city will be plunged into a blackout.”
So one night during the holiday break I grabbed my friend Roy (the narrator of the Lights Lights Lights Lighting Emporium commercial) and James and we set out to film a Christmas light tour like my great aunts would have done but this time with shocking results. Then we came home and narrated it into a little travelogue. Incidentally the last house we go to is the very one that belonged to the homo bar owner.
He enjoyed it.
So should you,
Happy Holidays
Merry Christmas:
Why duz we hab Chrixmaws?
“Cuz dis be da nite dat da po‘lil baby Jesus dus be bone.
Den da Aingel ub da Lawd say um to dee...”
Seasons Greetings, Happy Hanukkah,
Merry Christmas, Meilleurs Voeux,
Happy Holidays, Felices Fiestas,
Buon Natale, Kwanzaa
This Christmas:
Remember Santa smokes unfiltered Lucky Strikes™ so instead of leaving the usual cookies and milk under the tree leave him a pack of smooth Luckies™ - “It’s Toasted And It's Easier On His Throat”.
It’ll boost you’re gift return by 17% guaranteed.
It’ll boost you’re gift return by 17% guaranteed.
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