I found this handy sign. I plan to put it out as soon as I get home, turn off the lights and hang out in the backyard with a bonfire.
What are your plans?
Showing posts with label Halloween:. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Halloween:. Show all posts
This Halloween:
Since the grocery store opened across the street and they have one of those safe trick-or-treating parties, I no longer feed the hordes of begging adults, with their excuses for trick-or-treating, their children. Soon as they finish cleaning out the grocers they head straight for my house. Last year I gave away $40.00 of candy in 20 minutes. No more! Enough!
I found this handy sign. I plan to put it out as soon as I get home, turn off the lights and hang out in the backyard with a bonfire.
What are your plans?
I found this handy sign. I plan to put it out as soon as I get home, turn off the lights and hang out in the backyard with a bonfire.
What are your plans?
Undecided:
I'm still undecided on my Halloween costume.
Should it be a haphazardly tattooed Wolfman?
Satan?
Spiderman?
Ninja Turtle?
Freddy Krueger?
Let's listen to some Friday the Thirteenth disco while you help me decide.
Vampirella:
I’ve been terribly busy lately. It is holiday season you know. I’m seasonal. I’ve been working with my product developers to package the Seasons in a shaker form. Just open the cabinet and get out the Halloween Seasonings™. Sprinkle liberally around the house. “Season Seasonings” by MDP.
Following one of my well attended and patented “Yummy Yard Sales” by well-heeled neighborhood Junkers I was visited by seller’s remorse. An occupational hazard of the hoarder. In my attic I have small department stores. The lamp department. The costume department that is further departmentalized with the wig department and the shoe department etc.
So the remorse part,
What if that flowing robe I sold was something that I could have used for a costume?
It’s better not to think too much about these things. After all it found a good home.
While rooting around the attic for plunder I felt the mesmeric stare of Vampirella (an attic resident) over my shoulder. She was telegraphing that, “I better hadn’t dare even think of selling her!”
Oh no sweetheart you’re part of the family like the deer heads and the caskets.
Then I realized I have no plans for a costume this year. That’s odd I usually have one formulating at least by September. Then it struck me, I shall be Vampirella for Halloween. Then the logistics settled in, where would I find so much red material for her body suit (unitard – tard?) at such a late stage. JoAnn’s Fabrics is bound to be out of red everything. Curse you JoAnn!
Once I made the beginnings of a horror movie about Vampirella. Did you know that Vampirella is an alien? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO VAMPIRELLA IS? Pick up the pace, people. She leered out from behind the comic book section with those lewd breasts enticing young boys to thumb through her. Vampirella is from the planet Drakulon where people drink from rivers of blood. When the blood dried up Vampirella came to Earth.
My movie got as far as her crash landing on Earth and being badly damaged and needing blood to regenerate. Along comes a motorcycle gang ready to have some fun when she kills them, drinks their blood, and takes off on a motorcycle to the tune of Out of Limits.
Wish I would have finished that movie.
So what plans say you for Halloween costumes this year?
Mean Dirty Pirate Movie of the Week:
Once upon a time when I was a little kid there was this made for TV movie with Jim Hutton and Kim Darby, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. It’s notable for the fact that it didn’t have a happy ending. It gave me nightmares for days afterward but not as much as that pig in the window from, The Amityville Horror which had me addicted to Sominex years later at the age of 13. The teenage adolescent drug addict popping sleeping pills to ward off the boogey man. But that’s another story.
Anyway back to Jim and Kim and the haunted house they inherit from her aunt. I mean it’s a fabulous Victorian number. So it has a few unwanted residents but it’s a free Victorian...HELLO. Jim is a big prick about the whole thing and is constantly away in the city working while Kim tends to the haunting.
Watch for Uncle Charley from My Three Son’s who puts in an appearance as the cranky handy man. And the faggy decorator who the little monsters let have it on the flight of stairs.
Don't blame me if you suddenly find yourself Afraid of the Dark...Don't Be...
Dear Diary:
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Dear Diary, I went to New Orleans. I had fun. I stayed in a hotel. It was Halloween. I dressed up. I got drunk. I got mugged. I got raped. I got sick. I threw up. I passed out. I woke up in the trunk of a car. I don’t know where I am. Help me dear diary, help me.
The End
Dear Diary, Really did have loads of fun and wore the most dashing ringmaster costume. A Victorian top hat made from seal skin. A flouncy white shirt with lots of frills and ruffles. A black vest with two dozen buttons. A regal vestment overlay in red and purple velvets and woven metal doohickeys. Black tuxedo trousers with red satin taping. Big black shit kicking boots. A red silk tailcoat. And a wig. Lots of makeup. No pictures.
The End
Dear Diary, Met Jason. He is fun. We drank cocktails at the Golden Lantern. We drank cocktails at Lafittes. We drank cocktails at Good Friends. We drank cocktails at Bourbon Pub. We drank many, many cocktails.
Really we did have a wonderful meeting and talked shop. It’s interesting to meet someone that to this point is a somewhat anonymous commenter on an online diary of sorts, but I've come to think of him as a friend. My blog friend, my blog friends, I think is what I kept referring to all of you all. We both have similar blog histories, that of meeting like minded people that share in similar cultural references. But we both agree that blog friends probably know us and visit us more often than our real friends do. How strange.
Meeting Jason was exactly what you would expect. Very friendly, sweet, charming and more attractive than he lets on, with a sparkle. Like his comments and his posts, all very endearing. My imaginary blog friend is now a real live boy.
It all started with Mitzi and Jason. I met Mitzi at Lady Bunny and started to drop by her space and leave comments and vice versa. I met Jason from another blog that we both happen to frequent. I visited Jason and that’s where it all began. I met all of you all through Jason. He’s like a Madame, a blog Madame, a hostess as it were. A great lady and great hostess. And I plan to be a faithful customer to his blog brothel forevermore. Thank you Jason for adding the wonderful culminating experience to my visit.
The End
Dear Diary, I came home to find my wonderful post card from Mistress MJ. On the front is a picture of her enormous brown beaver. What a beaver. Thank you Mistress MJ for being such a great blog friend.
The End
Meeting blog friends and corresponding with them is like the modern day equivalent of pen pals. I watched the television program Big Blue Marble as a child and wrote off for a pen pal. They lived in Singapore and I never understood a single word and finally gave up on it. But the blog friends have had a lasting endurance. We all take breaks from time to time but for the past three years you guys have made a lasting impact on my otherwise dreary life.
The End
So thank you to all my blog friends. I hope one day to meet each and everyone of you.
I like you.
Do you like me?
Circle, Yes or No
The End
Murder is Fun:
One last thing before I trot off to New Orleans for a fabulous weekend of Voodoo and Halloween bar hopping, a little movie. A little incomplete unfinished movie. A horror movie that I began making some twenty years ago. A lonely abused boy (Edgar) finds a magic possessed ring that instantly makes him kill his mother (me). Watch for the marvelous Marcia Brady triptych on the wall above the bed. Remember this was 1988 before the famous Marcia, Marcia, Marcia phrase was ubiquitous. Also remember this was college days and my house was wrecked from making this bloody movie.
Enjoy,
Happy Halloween Ever’body
Handy Halloween Costume Ideas:
Ring Ring:
“Psychic Halloween Costume Crisis Hotline...blah...blah...blah...yeah...yeah...yeah.”
“Hi my name is Joe to Hell and I am a recovering costumeaholic and I need some help too. I know I know - even I have dry spells. I have exhausted the best costumes and being Susan Boyle is not that exciting....“
Oh but Joe it is exciting! A very exciting time to be Susan Boyle, why just think that this time last year it probably was not very exciting at all to be Susan Boyle. NOT AT ALL! But why be the average Susan Boyle when you can be Susan Boyle as a ZOMBIE.
Just enough time for me to give you a quick crummy costume reading before I head out the door to glamorous New Orleans for the Halloween weekend where I shall be a the most dashing Ring Master one has ever seen.
Joe are you still clean shaven this year? I do hope so as that seems to be the LOOK for you and I predict that all of my predictions will be bald ones.
First let me get in the trancey mood. “Miss Hightower can you bring me that sheet of LSD tabs? Please?”
That’s better, ohm, ohm, ohm...I think I’m beginning to see something. Yes definitely something divine. I’m getting the most divine image at the moment. Yes I think this is divine inspiration. I think you should be the drag queen Divine.
Just glue a little wiglet to the middle of your head and voila, you shall be DIVINE but why stop there when you can be Divine as a ZOMBIE.
Ohm, ohm, ohm...It’s coming, it’s coming, it’s clear, no wait it’s clean. Mr. Clean. But why be an ordinary Mr. Clean when you can be Mr. Clean-but-Dirty. Like Nasty. Get my drift? Or Mr. Clean as a ZOMBIE.
Ooh I’m starting to see something, yes it seems to be Yul Brynner from the King and I. No it’s Yul from West World the psycho robot killing machine. Hey why not be Yul as a psycho robot killing machine ZOMBIE.
Can’t trip much longer now, my acid is wearing off...I’m peaking...I’m peeking. Here it comes, The Emperor Ming. Ding Ding Ding.
I think we have a winner.
If that Emperor Ming doesn’t grab ya then there is always the other Emperor Ming.
One last prediction, why not go as your favorite Scoobie Doo Monster? Just print them out, cut and paste.
Or this famous Scoobie Doo, Scoobie Voodoo...
Good Luck Joe I know you will come up with something awesome.
Handy Halloween Costume Ideas:
Ring Ring:
“Psychic Halloween Costume Crisis Hotline...Please state the nature of your costume emergency?”
“Erm yes my name is Scarlet and I've tried to look as glamorous as Mistress MJ but unfortunately I ended up looking like this. Please advise.”
“Hmm. Yes. Um. Uhh. Mmm. Ohh...I’m starting to receive something, yes I’m definitely beginning to feel something now...oh wait it’s a bowel movement...I’ll be right back.”
Click.
My secretary and all around go-to-it-gal, Miss Hightower, has gone missing at the moment. She’s a spinster you know. I rescued her from drowning in the steno pool. It’s infested with yet to be married secretaries so as you can imagine my poor homely Hortence Hightower was constantly being overlooked and what a shame as she has the most amazing secretarial powers but oh what a dog of a face...wait...ssshhh...here she comes...
“Miss Hightower, where have you been? I’ve been sitting at my desk looking all over the room for you. You know how I hate that. You know how I hate to get up. You know how I hate to walk. Now, we’ve received another distressing call from an uninspired Halloween party go’er. Please rub my feet and get my swami cap, we need to induce a trance for this one. Light some sandalwood incense and splash around a bunch of patchouli all over the place, I need to channel my spirit guide Bitsy...ohm...ohm...ohm.”
I had the most interesting reading for Scarlet. From the picture I immediately felt a strong presence about this gal. The vibrations were strongly indicating that all she needed was a good Schlitz beer shampoo set with curlers. Perhaps a mask? Or a depilatory? Hows about an Epilady?
Oh wait here it comes...Something to do with the carnival...a carny...no that’s not it...a sideshow freak...yes , yes, I’m on it now. DING.
The bearded Lady.
Not to your liking? Ohm, Ohm, Here it comes. I’m zeroing in on it now...I’m zeroing in on Dr. Zira from that great planet, The Planet of the Apes.
I’m growing weary, my trance is to starting fade, “Quick Miss Hightower get me something to scribble with...I’m receiving a scrabble vision. The first letter is a T, then an O, now a P, and an A, a Z, followed by an I, and another A....ZONK. Quickly Miss Hightower what did I scribble from my scrabble?”
T-O-P-A-Z-I-A, What the F**K does that mean? Oh wait it must be Topazia the sub-human primate from Skullduggery!
The visions are fading, let me swirl my head around about on my neck to-and-fro with great theatrics and say things like, “Spirit world guide me, lead me to the answers from beyond this Earth...” Here it comes the last and final seance search...I’m seeing the great actress Dee Wallace...she seems to be having convulsions not unlike my own...She seems to be under some sort of transformation. It’s a poodle, no wait it’s a Pekingese, no wait it’s a were-creature, a lady werewolf.
Scarlet, Love, I hope you have found this Psychic Halloween Costume Crisis reading helpful. I suggest you go to your party as yourself then with great effort and a painful transmogrification, change yourself into a grisly lady werewolf and shred the other guests into bloody chunks and devour and gobble them up. Then change back into yourself and lick your lips and say things like, “I’m hungry” then transform again and again. all night long. Until all your guests are gone. So easy and no fuss. No need to bother with stragglers that just won’t leave!
Now if you’ll excuse me I must scoot to my hair appointment. “Miss Hightower, would you be so kind and fetch my scooter power chair with the Flowbee attachments and get cracking on my coiffure before the phone rings again...”
Handy Halloween Costume Ideas:
I’ve been extra special busy this year manning the phone at the Halloween Costume Crisis Hotline. Like my hotline? I got a sweet deal on it from the J Geils band, as they no longer have any use for it. It takes lots of stamina and libido to man a phone, believe me I know. 
So it’s the Mistress's turn. What with all her Mistressing she hasn’t had the time to think up a proper costume. So upon receiving her photo, I laid hands on it and gave it a proper reading. The vibrations were strong. Pale skin, raven hair, ruby red lips, I thought immediately of Edgar Allen Poe.
Edgar Allen Poe, but as a ZOMBIE. I had my sketch artist take the liberty of creating this likeness.
My second psychic transmission took the form of sweet little Snow White. 
Then immediately that image left my brain and was replaced with this one.
A few moments passed and the Bride of Frankenstein appeared, but that would be too easy as everyone would instantly recognize her.
Betty Page, Betty Page, Betty Page, the name was ringing in my ears and then I realized it was just a locomotive in the far distance. I handed it over to Miss Hightower who cranked out yet another Zombie. “Honestly Hortence can’t you knock it off with the ZOMBIES and give it a rest?” I must say she really has a way with ZOMBIES though.
Mistress's wasp waist was giving me pause...menopause, and Maila Nurmi worked her way into the scheme.
Then everything went dim! Nothing, fini, nada. I lost my connection. The suction from the great void was gone. “Miss Hightower would you turn the vacuum back on please?”
The visions began to return. Jungle Red, Jungle Red, Jungle Red, and Norma Shearer instantly appeared, but as we all know Jungle Red nail polish is prone to inducing Jungle Madness.
The two words began to entangle, Madness, Mistress, Madness, Mistress, and then the final vision occurred, none other than the mistress of them all Miss Crystal Allen.
With that it was over. I hope you have found this reading helpful Mistress MJ.
Ring, Ring:
“Halloween Costume Crisis Hotline...please state the nature of your costume emergency...I‘m getting a strong indication that you should wrap yourself in white plastic garbage bags and go as White Trash!”
Click!
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