SEX DREAM:

Last night I had a dream and you might say it was a nightmare. I was in some vague darkened hallway of an undisclosed location that resembled a bath house or sex club, not that I’m familiar with such places being the pure chaste unspoiled virginal type. Actually I’ve never been to a bath house or a sex club but I have been to peoples houses that feature sex rooms or dungeons and I have been asked upon occasion for pointers relating to the tasteful appointment of such.

Anyway in my dream there I was when a man approached me to have sex. I recognized him immediately as a celebrity. I haven’t thought of this person in years so it was odd that I would conjure him up in a dream much less be invited to have sex with him. I suppose it’s fitting as I don’t necessarily enjoy the attentions of the stereotypical beauty or the gym bunny.

He does have a rather nice frame and or possible build and I could always close my eyes. I awoke with a full on woody and a bewildering shame washed over me having contemplated a sexual experience with Weird Al Yankovic. This feeling has lingered with me throughout the day.

I Need My Hair Did:

Today I looked in the mirror and decided that I needed to get my hair did. My regular beauty operator is on an extended vacation so I got out the phone book in hopes of finding an emergency replacement. Well you can imagine the resulting compendium of bad hair establishments from which to choose. No other industry suffers from the “Cute Name” syndrome more so than the hair industry. Just a quick glance at my local listings produced some wretched examples in alphabetical order:


About An Inch Hair Salon, be careful as the wording is tricky and you just might walk out with only an inch left on top because we specialize in “Flattops”.

Beauteria Beauty and the Beast Hair Salon, “Um yes I’m here for the full on Beauteria treatment…I prefer my nails to be beautiful but I want my hair to remain beastly.

Cleopatra Salon de’beauté, “That Cleopatra wig you sportin’ is quite a beauté.”

Dorothy’s Hair Palace, This is where all of the selfish pudgy unattractive girls who were constantly fed lies by overindulgent mothers about being a “Princess” get they hair did.

Exotic Nails, “I would like a full set with French tips?” “Oh no girl we only do Xotic nail with decal and cryshtals.”

Fabiola’s Fashion Hair Salon, are we talking “In Fashion” either way it’s bound to be Fabiola.

Gulf Beach Hair, for that touch of white trash.

Hair Hut, can you imagine working the phone there and having to say, “Hair Hut, How can I help you?”

Izzo’s Hair, the last salon that features the double dutch cut. “Izzo Izzaaa, Izzo Izzu de Mizzo Mizzu, A Zubble Zutch.

Jackay’s de Beauté , another de beauté.

Krystalz Hair Salon, “I’d like four Krystalz burgers a large fry, and shake while you weave me some new hair.”

Little Critters Salon, “I’m here to have the little critters Rid X’d from my wig.”

Malachite Hair, for that laminated coiffure that is tough as stone.

Needa Hair, When you relax ethnic hair for years on end it tends to make you bald therefore you Needa some hair.

Ouida’s Salon, Ouida’s is located next door to Needa’s.

Pershu’s Perfect Kutz, Watch out as Pershu is a Perfect Klutz.

Quiggley’s Cutz, They don’t do ordinary they specialize in the zigzag Quiggley cutz.

Rubie’s Royal Rumor Revolution, The ultimate Fat Pig Princess salon treatment, it’s guaranteed to be Revolting. Be careful though as they spread rumors.

Sassy Lady Salon, If you don’t like it they slap you silly for being sassy about it.

The Hair Do, Cute name…really cute name…most folks call it The Hair Don’t.

Uniqua’s Fierce Hair, Unique, Fierce Hair! Enough said.

Vinnie’s Barber Shop, because if you aint a gay hairdresser you are a barber.

Westside Beauty, The Westside of town is pure trash but I suppose beauty can be found there.

Xandria’s X Factor Beauty Emporium, She’s my favorite and clients loiter about outside in capes and smocks smoking and talking on the cell phone with pink curlers in they hair. It truly is the Emporium of Beauty.

Yesterdays Style, This old bag that runs the place literally smokes while she sprays shellac on a long forgotten hair’ do.

Zelda’s Yesterdays Style, You guessed it Zelda is the old bag smoking operator at Yesterdays Style. I suppose she aint taking no chances as she is listed at least a dozen times in a dozen different ways in the listings.

So now you have the run down on Gulf Coast Hair Salons where style triumphs over substance and big hair remains supreme. I just might have better luck with the ever so cutely named, Flowbee.

Tacky:

When you find yourself living next door to the Griswolds what do you do? You report them of course but to what authority?

HGTV is always a good standby however HGTV has become a little more H than G lately.

The Fashion Police might offer assistance but in spite of their good intentions to Serve and Protect the Fashion Police are busy writing citations for walking pedestrian violations.

The local gang of street bullies that smashed your punkins this Halloween might be able to offer reinforcement and redecorate that yard with a sledgehammer providing you bribe them with compensation.

Nope you announce the violation by snapping a picture of the offender and then submit it to the website devoted to disgraceful holiday lawn ornamentation, Tacky Christmas Yards.

Spokes Modeling:

Local bumbling redneck spokespersons are a rare breed. I find ads while thumbing through the Northwest Florida panhandle entertainment trade papers that state, “Fulfill your dreams of becoming an in demand spokes personality.”

Eligible applicants undergo rigorous training including courses in, fidgety on-air body behavior, country accent voice modulation and mind/body disassociation for more pronounced awkward hand gesturing.

Upon graduation you are matched-up and permanently placed with a local business in need of corny spokes services. There you will (in 30 second promos) irritate viewers forever.

Meet Hank Browne a recent graduate of spokes model school. He is a [ferny-tur] business owner who was desperately in need of the sales driven promotions afforded by a quality personality. When he was unable to be successfully matched with a model he took matters into his own hands. He enrolled in broadcast personality courses and became the permanent spokes model for Home Place Furniture.

Reality Fashion:

I watch Project Runway simply because I love fashion. One day it’s IN the next day it’s OUT then it’s in again then it’s out, in and out, out and in. My closet is beginning to develop a complex. *CLOSET CRISIS* Highlights would be when Heidi says, “You’re out, GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT AND OFF OF MY RUNWAY”. I like it when Michael Kors gets tickled and Nina Garcia just because she speaks English with a lovely accent. English should always be spoken with a lovely accent, there’s only three kinds, foreign, Southern and British.

The good designers squeak by and are usually safe, robbing the audience of up close inspection and critique of the garment, and the bad ones hang around no matter what they trot out.

This week’s passive aggressive stand out was Joe Faris, his Ego and overuse of the phrase, “Let the fashion games begin.” Convinced he was going to win the challenge with an uneven patriotic skort. Phew.

Blayne Walsh struggling with his tanning issues.

Korto Momolu with her beautiful clothes and dour personality saying, “It’s about freaking time”.

So friends here’s a condensed recap of the show, a reader’s digest version if you will.

Everyday Art:

Witness the "Waterpicasso," which blends great art with a mundane task

Tacky Treasures