Shriner Sunday:

I like to bring a little thoughtfulness and introspection to this solemn holy day. I was in deep thought sipping my tea and waiting for the toast to cheerily pop up. When it happened. It’s happened three times now.

I think my toaster is the reincarnated entity of a Saint. It makes Miracle Toast.

Exhibit A,



















Exhibit B,
























Exhibit C,














After gobbling up the first two miracles, with butter and Miracle Whip, I thought maybe I should start shrinning them off. You know like make a quick two bits on the religious circuit or EBAY? That’s when it came to me. I need a durable way to shrine it off and seal in it’s potency. No one likes a stale miracle.

That’s why I have invented,



















It has dozens of possibilities, like sealing up that dirt stain Jesus on your kitchen floor or marking off the shrine scene of the holy nativity that miraculously appeared in your front yard or for keeping your bathtub Madonna lawn shrine fresh and clean from the dirty fingerprints that always seem to grime her up from worshipping.



















Anyway I’m always looking for a gimmick.

So it occurred to me while eating miracle toast that my prayers lately have been taking an awfully long time to get results. What’s with these lazy Saints? Get with it I need results now. You would think with all of eternity laying around heaven they would have nothing better to do. After another bite of miracle toast it happened again. I had been going about this all wrong. The Saints aren’t lazy at all they’re just busy. Overworked. Shopworn.

How selfish and reckless I have been trusting my needy prayers of self gain with the popular Saints. Everybody is praying to them. Jamming up the lines. I need a lesser known Saint. One who isn’t so busy. One who really is just laying around heaven with nothing to do.

Like,

Lydwina -- Patron Saint of Ice Skaters


















Or, (Listen up Jason)

Casimir of Poland -- Patron Saint of Bachelors





















Or,

Apollonia -- Patron Saint of Dentists

















Apollonia was an elderly woman who, in a.d. 248, was persecuted for being a Christian. She found herself in the midst of an angry anti-Christian mob. They smashed out all of her teeth and then dragged her to a huge fire. They offered to spare her life if she would renounce her faith. She paused as if to curse God, then flung herself into the fire instead. St. Apollonia is often depicted wearing a necklace of her own teeth.

Yom Kippur:

Happy Yom Kippur ever’body. Mmm kippers, yummy yummy kippers...