Spokes Modeling:

Local bumbling redneck spokespersons are a rare breed. I find ads while thumbing through the Northwest Florida panhandle entertainment trade papers that state, “Fulfill your dreams of becoming an in demand spokes personality.”

Eligible applicants undergo rigorous training including courses in, fidgety on-air body behavior, country accent voice modulation and mind/body disassociation for more pronounced awkward hand gesturing.

Upon graduation you are matched-up and permanently placed with a local business in need of corny spokes services. There you will (in 30 second promos) irritate viewers forever.

Meet Hank Browne a recent graduate of spokes model school. He is a [ferny-tur] business owner who was desperately in need of the sales driven promotions afforded by a quality personality. When he was unable to be successfully matched with a model he took matters into his own hands. He enrolled in broadcast personality courses and became the permanent spokes model for Home Place Furniture.

Retarded:

Ever have an off day? Nothing you do turns out right and you feel like Eeyore who says, “Why bother it’ll all turn out bad anyway.”

That was today for me and to make it worse the whole show was filled with Polly Perfect doing circles around my tired ass.

“What’s wrong with you today?” Polly asked and then capped it off with, “Are you RETARDED?”

Fuck Off Polly!

Maybe I have a life filled with mystery and strangers that keep me up till all hours of the evening. I’m sure you wouldn’t understand, you the one who is actually retarded with an IQ of 75 who enjoys color coding her closet. Actually enjoys it!

Maybe I thrive on drama...drama of all sorts of sordid salacious scandal...I can’t get enough of it really. Sorry Polly even when I don’t say a word I’m far more interesting. Lets face it Polly even 20 years your senior I still look better than you and Polly for 22...you don’t look so good.

No you're Retarded. No you are. No you're Retarded. No you are.