Ida Mae:

We’re having a hurricane. In November? Yep hurricane season lasts right up until December. Did you know that? Damn thing is projected right smack at Pensacola. Right at it. I’m going to miss it. I’m going to be in Tallahassee, lobbying for homosexualism and lesbianism and sexualism and any other ism. I just love a good hurricane party with the power failures and the drinking and the nothing to do but have sex.













Really though as a meteorological expert on Gulf Coast weather, I predicted that since we had a mild winter and the most lovely cool spring and summer that we wouldn’t even see a storm. I was right. In the past the worst ones have occurred around early October. Not this year but I did expect we would have one late in the season and Ida is on her way. Hmm, Ida...that definitely sounds like a storm to remember but I suspect that when she hits the cool water in the Gulf, she’ll lose some steam and become a tropical storm.


















I hate missing out on a good tropical storm. Everybody freaks out and the grocery stores look like ghost towns. Schools shut down and shelters open up. As long as I have booze and cigarettes and clean sheets, I’m fine.

Oh well maybe next year.

Just for fun I've included my Florida weather forecast:

The Aftermath of Ike:

I feel for the victims of hurricane Ike and especially the ones that stayed behind and rode out the storm . We have barrier islands here and several channels and sounds and the intra coastal waterway and steep hills to protect from surge. Not Texas. All they have is a seawall. Now really did they think a seawall would keep out the surge? It’s the worst part of the storm. There are numerous stories around here of people treading water or clinging to tree limbs all night long.

The story from Texas where a man said his children went to the bathroom during the storm and came back with their names and social security numbers sharpied on their forearms was plain sad. What a good dad you are…protecting your family with a drunken hurricane party and sharpies.
















The aftermath of the storm is like deprivation. No utilities. What do cell phone addicts do without service? They suffer. But if you have an old rotary phone chances are good that you can get a connection if you still have a line attached and a dialing wand.

















911 is of no use. Remember the operator? She was efficient and was always able to make a connection. If she couldn’t she’d ring back when she did. All you did was pick up the receiver and order her to do all the work. Nowadays it’s all so manual with buttons and texting…so much work involved. Once the phone was used for important communication and people didn’t just hang out on the phone chattering away. I even received instruction during finishing school in the proper comportment and etiquette of modern telephonics. It serves me well to this day.



















Wishing I had a proper operator to place my calls following a storm has always been a concern, that and listening to gospel music. It makes you feel better about scrubbing off indelible sharpie written identification.

Hurricane Ike:

I went to the beach yesterday (so you wouldn't have to) to see how badly hurricane Ike was beating it up. Pretty ferocious wind and surf but Ike wasn’t so terrible at least here. I suppose Ike is at his worst when beating Tina or Texas. I took along my camera for a little show and tell. Enjoy.

Tight Ends and Stuff:

I’ll be at the Saints game today…I have a good friend who has tickets…I know…I feel all butch and manly…just like a dyke.

I’m not at all interested in the sport (duh) but I do so enjoy the camaraderie of crazed sports fans. What’s to hate…a road trip plus New Orleans, plus the spectacularly tacky venue of the Super Dome, plus, plus, plus.

The last time I was at the Dome I was tripping my balls off on shrooms. It was so NFL with all of the professional media trappings…I swear it was a surreal experience filled with chromatic colors that it felt like being inside of a Lite-Brite and all of the people were the little pegs. Anyway…

We’ll get to see all of the returning evacuees as they simultaneously turn around and head out of the city again in hasty anticipation of hurricane Ike. I mean really, Ike? Is that the best name they could come up with starting with the letter I? I can think of many other more interesting ones such as, Ichabod, Isabel, Isadora, Ignacio, Iarmani, Imunique, Iraq, Iran, Ion, Isopropyl, and Infinity.


















Go Saints!

Jason and the Hurricane:

The night is half gone and I find my self pondering as to the status of Jason from Night is half gone. I know that he has an aunt that he stayed with during the aftermath of Katrina. Don’t you hate the name Katrina? It just sounds so appropriate for its target and at the same time white trash. Jason seems to be a pretty patient person and I expect that the incessant chattering is (not) grating on his nerves. Anyway I’m sure he’s watchin’ the Weather Channel and plotting his return. Farewell Jason of the Arganauticos farewell in thou’est journey towardst night is half gone.

Notes on Disaster from a Hurricane Lush:

It would appear that we dodged a bullet. A bullet that as Mr. Peenee said had a sissy name anyway, Gustav. Thanks to everyone (Joe, Kitty, Peenee, Scooter) who was and were (not countin') concerned.

I was never really worried about fitting Gustav in but sometimes a temperamental storm can take a little jog to the right scraping by as it makes landfall. All storms are different and behave accordingly which makes them hard to judge as to the best fit. Gustav to me had a small tight eye with a large outer band of pelting rain and whipping wind. As a result of his angle of approach he skimmed me very lightly giving me sporadic sprinkles. Producing an exquisite, "Devil beating his wife effect", which felt like the sun shining while it was raining.

My hurricane party was a rousing success! People were being turned away by the droves. Inside the house was crammed with clusters of conversations debating various recent disasters. Outside the disco ball kept slipping and crashing up the dance floor. The night was filled with electricity and anxious behavior and that saved these people some disaster money. Honestly a hurricane is better than drugs, why take em when you’re hopped up on hurricane vibes. It really gets you high!

I’m afraid that I have just drunk the last of my hurricane supplies. I’ll need to put in an order to the bootlegger for refills. We have more storms brewing, Hannah and her sisters are out in the Atlantic and that of course means more parties. Ike and Josephine will be stopping by soon. For now I’m going to slip into an old fashioned bath and relax but you know what? It’s expensive filling my bath with old fashions.

Cheers

Hurricane Preparedness:

I’m touched by the lack of response to my current hurricane predicament. Thanks for not worrying about me. Really…no really it’s ok. I’ll be fine; I’ll always be fine. I was a boy scout after all…for about a month.

I know how to camp out and wait for the Red Cross to bring ice and rations. Lounging by the pool getting tan waiting for the power to come back on. Filling my lanterns with tiki torch fuel and the generator with expensive gas to run the window unit. Picking pecans and ready to eat off the vine bronze scuppernong muscadines. Shooting squirrels and birds for the meat. MMM good!

My best hurricane preparedness tip is to get to the liquor store and stock up before the shelves become barren. You know the essential hurricane necessities like cigarettes and booze.

My hurricane socials are becoming quite jammed as of late. I don’t think that I can squeeze in one more party. I’m still trying to wrangle that elusive and exclusive invite of the beachfront condo hurricane party. It’s ever so chic to watch the beach erode right in front of your eyes.

Good luck to the evacuees trapped on the highways of empty gas stations. Good luck surviving the storm in your cars. Them that’s a stayin’, May the Force be with Ya and not A’gin Ya. Remember if you show up at my hurricane house party to bring your invitation I have a doorman and there is going to be a strict dress code and a select crowd inside.

Woohoo! We're having a hurricane Gustav party. Followed by several days of camping and clean up. For visual reference I’ve included before and after pictures of the destruction a category 3 storm can do.

Batten Down The Hatches:

I've been through Erin, Opal, Ivan, Katrina, Rita, Dennis, and numerous tropical storms. Why just last week Fay paid a visit. My next guest is Gustav. Sounds like a contender, Erin, Opal, Ivan, Gustav. Umhum!