Mean Dirty Pirate: Thanksgiving:

Showing posts with label Thanksgiving:. Show all posts

It Just Can’t Get Any Worse:

I have so many things to be thankful for this year and I try to remember not to complain. Like when I say, “It just can’t get any worse” I remember that it always can. For instance I remember the time my shoe lace got caught in the escalator and I said, “It just can’t get any worse” and then I lost my balance and plunged head first down the spikey moving stairs landing at the bottom where my hair got caught in the metal teeth and my scalp was ripped off.

Or the time I was driving down the highway behind a watermelon truck and the moorings broke loose and the melons became missiles that were launched in my path. After dodging them and pulling over I said, “It just can’t get any worse”. Afterwards I pulled back into traffic and a truck hauling sheet metal scraps pulled in front of me and a huge unwieldy piece flew off and collided with my windshield and I was instantly decapitated.

And then this one time…I was working on the automatic irrigation system and I was splicing two pipes together and a piece of polyvinyl chloride broke off and shot into my eye. After realizing that I was not blinded I said, “It just can’t get any worse” and then the evil possessed riding lawnmower growled to life and raced across the lawn mowing me down, severing my right leg in the process.

What?

You were expecting a moral to this rambley story? Get over it and stop your belly aching and above all never say, “It just can’t get any worse” because it always can. Instead be thankful that you have your scalp, your head, your eye, and your right leg, even if they’ve all been replaced, you still have them.

Before I go and ingest ten times the legal limit of trans fat that the FDA imposes on a KFC, I would like to show all of you the latest thing that I am grateful for,

His name is Menow.

A friend of mine has a little boy who can't say the word, “Meow”. We play a game where we whisper animal sounds into each other’s ears. I’ll cup my hands and say, “Moooooo”. Then he'll do the same and say, “Menow”. Then we both roll on the floor laughing because whispering tickles your ear.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everybody and remember it can always be worse.

Thanksgiving:

What is it about the Thanksgiving holiday that fashions such enduring and lasting impressions, is it the enormous turkey feast and the elaborate spread on the table? Could it be the gathering of friends and family and the after dinner reminiscing? Let's look a little closer at this tradition and the intimate details that create such happy memories...and just exactly what makes a Thanksgiving holiday so special?

Is it Momma with her cheerful disposition?

Is it Papa at the keyboard entertaining the crowd?

Is it Carol who can sing like a bird?

Is it Uncle Carl who's constantly cracking jokes?

Is it Grandma and Grandpa always eager to join in on a sing along?

Nope, it's BEER!

Ya’ll I growd up with this shit!

Many Sundays looking out of the arched Gothic stained glass windows of First Baptist Church toward the lawn and the gold leafed eagle spinning in the wind on the Beaux Arts state capital.

Many summers spent in Natchez with my aunt Linda who was a card carrying member of the garden club looking at beautiful architecture and antebellum plantation homes. Many swamps and cotton fields on the way to grandma’s house and muscadine vines that I have in my backyard today.

Many, many beautiful women who hold a title. Have I told you that being a handsome gay man has provided me with introduction to the most beautiful women in the world? It’s true I’ve met them all! WE HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MISS AMERICA’S of all time!

Katrina may have leveled the levy’s in New Orleans but it wiped out Miss'ippi but it didn’t hold them back, they just clung to trees and vowed to build it all back.

And I gamble on Choctaw casina’s!

"Go, Mississippi, keep rolling along,
Go, Mississippi, you cannot go wrong,
Go, Mississippi, we're singing your song,
M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I"

It's Thanksgiving:

Many things to be thankful for like having a job and a home and a car and I guess during these horrible trying days, I’m thankful just to be alive.

But Thanksgiving is really all about the Indians that we duped into giving away their land. And we gave them disease and alcoholism in return.

So when sitting down to enjoy your turkey that most likely died a hideous death remember the Indians and be thankful they were so trusting.

I’m off to the reservation for some gambling.

Happy Thanksgivin’ Ever’body.

Thanksgiving Through the Ages Part I:

Atlanta has become so internationally chic and the formerly strict southern city that was once only viewed in terms of black and white is now a multi-cultural rainbow of illegal imports. While stopping into the local McDonalds for a restroom break I was immediately enveloped by many numerous foreign tongues. I suppose it has something to do with that airport trucking them in by the airbus loads. My parents had planned a pressing art filled activity agenda with no time to waste and thus began the Atlanta Tour Through the Ages.

First on the list backtracking in time to prehistory and backtracking a hundred miles or so to the famed and wondrous, Callaway Gardens. My childhood friend Lou Ann Pittman would respond when presented with my summer schedule of fabulous vacation destinations like Disney World with her usual, “Well we’re going to Callaway Gardens AND Delta Village…they say Delta Village is bigger and better than ever.” It made her feel superior.

The fabled gardens of which she spoke were not exactly what I expected. Envisioning lush manicured formal gardens, I was presented with a mountain forest. Could this be the same Callaway Gardens that immediately brings to mind petticoated southern maidens running down grassy hillsides with parasols? You live and learn. The staff of Callaway is entirely populated by lesbians and not just everyday ordinary lesbians but the earthy variety that circulate incoherent directions and spurious misinformation.

Three items on the list of must see Callaway experiences were the Butterfly Conservatory, the Birds of Prey exhibit, and lastly the holiday themed Fantasy in Lights display to be taken by tram.

The butterfly atrium was a humid habitat filled with tropical plants and a variety of enormous butterfly specimens. Capturing them with a camera was a challenge and it was then that I realized why scientist do it, much easier to stab them with a pin and marvel later under magnifying glass.

Birds of Prey was a thrilling experience conducted again by lesbians armed with a flat script and clumsy attempts at humor. The stage is not the environment for these gals however it was for the birds. A showoff ham of a hawk flew out on cue did his little tricks of swooping over the audience eating his reward then returning to his cage with the assurance of a seasoned professional.

The other birds were pretty good also but Wow was that hawk really good he stole the show. He should be a star not working these sideshow gigs. He needs better representation. He needs better management. The talent surrounding him was not of his caliber.

We learned that Callaway Gardens had not always been the beautiful environment that we saw around us. It was planted only fifty years ago. Before that the rocky mountaintop was planted with cotton fields. Spending my childhood in Mississippi and summers in Natchez where cotton was king I can’t imagine trying to eek out a living growing such a crop in such harsh conditions.

While driving through the park we noticed the little wire outlines of teddy bears and geese wrapped with lights that surely was to be our Fantasy in Lights tram driven attraction. It was cold up on Walton Mountain and didn’t relish the thought so we skipped it. Night John Boy.

Sensible suit, sturdy shoes, Doberman Pinscher, more evidence of lesbic activity at Callaway Gardens.

Yeah um Happy Thanksgiving and Stuff:

So many things to be sad about lately. Many sharity blogs are folding or going private the economy is in the toilet and friends are losing jobs. Better buy your new car now it might just be the last new car ever made in America. Fabulon has folded. It’s where most of us all met. The depression is turning out to be really depressing. I wish we would finally stick our heads out and realize this is the 21st century and not the 20th. Change is hard for most folks but embrace it and its creative energy recharge. Because ya’ll things are really dull. This is not the bright shining century I was duped into believing we would be living. The Jetsons were liars.

You know it was charming at first during the late 1990’s when all of the style and tastemakers got lazy and decided to reflect on the past century for inspiration.

They rehashed and repackaged all of the music we are forced to listen too over and over. There isn’t a definitive sound just oldies and manufactured corporate pop tunes with glossy talent less singers that sample old songs. They don’t even play real music anymore you know real compositions with real musicians. New styles please, new genres please. Please give us something new to listen to. I feel sad for the kids of today, they have absolutely no musical legacy to reflect upon later in life like oh say their twentieth class reunion when they will all gather on the dance floor to hear…Britney.

Fashion designers recycled all of the past few decades of fashions into an amalgamation of style that we pick and choose from. No fashion just style. You know the true definition of the word eclectic is when you assemble the best and most definitive pieces of a period together. I wouldn’t say fashion today is eclectic as the style assembled for today’s fashions do not represent the best pieces from former periods. New fashions please.

The entertainment industry really got lazy and decided that we should just repackage old TV shows into films or make enormous action packed fast paced blockbusters. They have elevated the attention span to mere seconds and now people are unable to watch an old fashioned slow paced drama that actually has a story or even a point. It’s going to take a readjustment of our attention spans. I suggest reading. Books are a good place to start. New entertainment please.

Enough all ready with the refried rehashes! When will the 21st century finally begin to take shape and become its own century? The old school is finally out so deal with it. Obama is in so deal with it and let the sweeping changes begin. Deal it and deal me a good hand please.

So many things to be thankful for though I still have a job as of this moment, I’m in relatively good health and that’s something to be thankful for, as I have no health insurance. I’m thankful to be going to Atlanta for Thanksgiving to visit my wonderful parents who will be celebrating their 50th anniversary at the end of this year. I’m thankful not to be dealing with the housing and mortgage problems. Thankful we didn’t have serious hurricanes this year. I’m thankful to still be able to feel thankful.

Thanksgiving:

Here's to stuffing turkey...

Thanksgiving:

Is it Papa at the keyboard entertaining the crowd?

Is it Carol who can sing like a bird?

Is it Uncle Carl who is constantly cracking jokes?

Is it Grandpa and Grandma who are always eager to join in on a sing along?

Nope, it's BEER!

The Family In The Attic:

A Very Special Family in the Attic: Thanksgiving Edition Mega Picture Post

Well everyone it's that time again, to dust off the silver and get out the good china because it's Thanksgiving time for the Family in the Attic. Here are some entertaining ideas from this happy family to help get you in the mood.

Start off by cooking your turkey...