This Halloween:

Since the grocery store opened across the street and they have one of those safe trick-or-treating parties, I no longer feed the hordes of begging adults, with their excuses for trick-or-treating, their children. Soon as they finish cleaning out the grocers they head straight for my house. Last year I gave away $40.00 of candy in 20 minutes. No more! Enough!

I found this handy sign. I plan to put it out as soon as I get home, turn off the lights and hang out in the backyard with a bonfire.

What are your plans?

SHABLAM:

While we are speaking in onomatopoeia,



"Girl, what did that girl just say, girl?" This queen is giving basic boot camp for drag queens as she throws an arsenal of things a young queen should be able to do before she hits the stage or even the make-up chair.

For those living in other countries that block U.S. Youtube the artist is Todrick Hall and the song is, "Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels".

I'm a Word Dick:

I don't know why. I mean, I grew up in Mississippi of all places but I have a rather large vocabulary and I'll spend a 50 cent word here and there. I find less people who actually understand 50 cent words anymore. Why bother with a complicated word that encapsulates four or five of the things you are trying to say when you can waste time describing those four or five things individually, at the same time, not even have the words to describe those four or five things.

VOCABULARIES have shrunken in the past 11 years. Why? I blame the schools, parents and the smart phone. I know, I'm a prude. I insist on typing every letter, every punctuation mark, anything to make my message CLEAR. Do you have any idea how many people completely misunderstand or misinterpret your text messages? I can type out a plain text using the correct punctuation and people still don't understand. Don't even get me started on the importance of diacriticle marks!

I read through news feeds and I'll click on a article with a bold headline. After about 3 paragraphs I give up because the author doesn't get to the bold headline as promised! Remember, when telling a story it's, Who, What, When Where and Why. Stop wasting your reader or listener's time with a bunch of extraneous wordage. Which now, after 3 paragraphs, I'll get to my BOLD headline, "See, What Had Happened Was..."

I have this friend. He recently decided he didn't need to take his anti-mood elevators. His resultant behaviour drove his entire family, friends and support groups away. He started using erratic speech. What I call, "Cliché, Catch-Phrases and Onomatopoeia." He'll start sentences with, "See what had happened was..." It makes me bristle. After 1 or 30 times later I finally asked him if he was aware of this speech pattern? He wasn't. I also offer the worst offender, "See...What You Don't Understand is..." That one I actually can't abide as a listener. What I don't understand is your lack of understanding of the English language. It's as if I were trying to communicate with an African village that speaks with pops and clicks. His usual sentence begins with, "See...what had happened was..." and progresses with, "this thing, came-out-a-no-where and smacked-me-into-next-Tuesday like, Wham!-Bam!-Pow! Do you know what I mean?" No, not really. Could you maybe toss a noun or a verb in that string of nonsense?

The biggest annoyance about this gibble-gabble speak is how unnecessary it is. Get to your point. When I hear, "Can I Ask You a Question?" I want to scream, "You just did!" If you are afraid of asking someone a personal question then say so. Ask away, or say, "I'd like to ask you a personal question."

Don't say, "Can I ask you a question?", if you are just asking a mundane question. It's creepy and dramatic!

That's all.

The Spokesowl:

I've reached a certain age that I can make well informed decisions concerning large purchases or dealing with health issues. That's why I use Spokesowls to filter out the riffraff in matters of my corporation loyalty. Everyone knows that corporations are perfectly trustworthy but having a spokesowl just gives them an extra sense of all knowing presence and wizened security. Just take the Spokesowl for America's Best Contacts & Eyeglasses.

I MEAN IT SAYS SO IN THE TITLE - AMERICA'S BEST!

If it's good enough for the Spokesowl, who is obviously in need of an optician, then it's good enough for me. Especially after he compliments, in one of their commercials, a girl exiting a store with her new glasses feeling sassy like she's on a runway then she stumbles or that time when the spokesowl, who suspiciously sounds like Norm McDonald, is trying to tell the person that they paid too much money for their eyewear and the person responds by saying, "Who, Who". 

So, when I'm feeling under the weather from allergy suffrage I turn to the products with the most side-effects, the ones with a list as long as your arm just stopping short of death as a symptom. Once again the spokesowl makes my decision for me. When I need an antihistamine, I choose XYZAL!

Sometimes I need to book a cheap motel in the dive parts of Panama City, the kind from the 50"s with a circular motor court and construction workers sitting outside smoking, grilling and man spreading. I rely on the Trip Advisor owl, who sounds like he knows his way around a sleazy motel.

 Spokesowl's are the way to go, you heard it here first.

Patti Deutsch:

Years ago Norma and I had a conversation regarding "Commercial Ladies". Ladies who show up in many commercials and apparently make a living from being commercial ladies. Some even climb the ladder to become game show regulars like, Patti Deutsch, who sadly passed away Saturday. Red hair and a nasal tone set her apart from the usual commercial ladies and this one for Safeguard features several up and coming stars.

Farewell Patti you will be missed.

Sooooo.....

That time when the neighbors, Martin and Carol, showed up for the clothing optional pool party and had too many Margaritas...

Will This Year Ever End?

I'll be relaxing with the dead at Club Tropicana.