Strangers often come up to me and comment, “You smell!”
To which I reply, “Thank you for noticing, I’ve worked hard to create this odor just for you.”
Endless hours have been spent in my greenhouses blending rare exotic flowers and botanical extracts, herbs and spices to create this smell and now I have made it available for you.
Many trials and errors have resulted in my signature fragrance. A delicate combination that includes a dash of musty old boy scout tents, a hint of camp fire, with a top note of deer piss and of course Forever Poodle™ essence.
Presenting;
Bubba’s Stink Purty Manly Cologne
Available exclusively at KMART and my Online Parfum Emporium. A holiday bargain at only $100.00 an ounce. Order yours today.
Holiday Gift Ideas:
Forever Poodle™
Losing a beloved family poodle can be a traumatic and devastating experience. That’s why a new service has been created specifically aimed at poodle adorationists and enthusiasts;
*Forever Poodle™ Grief Consultations begin at $100.00 an hour.
Endorsed by The Interstate Poodle Club.
Our highly trained and certified Poodle Grief Counselors will help guide you through the emotionally agonizing stages of Poodle Griefdom. Such as;
Denial: “Poor FiFi is fine. This can’t be happening to FiFi.”
Anger: “Why FiFi? It’s not fair”; “How can this happen to FiFi?”; “Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Just let FiFi live to see another day.”; “I will do anything for a few more days with FiFi.”
Depression: “I’m so sad for FiFi, why bother with anything?”; “FiFi is going to die…What’s the point?”; “I miss FiFi, why go on?”
Acceptance: “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for FiFi’s death.”
Make an appointment today, or if you are a shut in please take advantage of our twenty-four hour Forever Poodle™ Grief Counselors Hotline. Operators are standing by now and prices starting at $100.00 for the first two minutes and $1000.00 each additional minute.
Say your Poodle’s not dead yet? Why not immortalize your prized and precious Poodle in a lovingly painted portrait. Introducing;
The pose and style of the artwork is chosen when your Poodle arrives in our studio for his or her custom sitting.
Just like the uniqueness of your Poodle, each portrait is a one of a kind.
No two Poodles look alike as no two Forever Poodle Portraits™ look alike.
Forever Poodle Portrait™ fees begin at $100.00 an hour.
Your beloved Poodle is now deceased and can no longer pose for a portrait; put your Poodle on a Pedestal™.
Introducing;
Pierre can sit with you in your favorite armchair so you can stroke his silky fur forever. Forever Poodle™ that is…
Your Forever Poodle™ can be stuffed and arranged in variety of positions;
Finally Gidget gets to climb on that priceless antique chair forever with Forever Poodle™.
Do you like lawn ornamentation?
How about an all weather Lawn Poodle?
Fully protected from the elements with Scotchgard™. The legs are filled with lead to add weight and to protect against weed whackers. Tethering stakes sold separately.
Forever Poodle™ Taxidermy fees begin at $100.00 an hour.
Forever Poodle™ also offers simple Taxidermy instructions for DIY Poodle lovers.
Euthanize the Poodle that is to be preserved through taxidermy. Be sure to do this in a way that will not mangle the Poodle's body or face.
Remove the skin of the Poodle with a skinning tool. This can be purchased at your local taxidermy shop or online from Wildlife Artist Supply Company. Be gentle with the removed skin. Do not allow it to rip or tear in any way because you will be using it again for the final taxidermy product.
Dip the remains of the Poodle in a plaster of Paris solution to make a mold of his body. When dipping the Poodle be sure to keep him in the shape that the final product is to be like. Plaster of Paris is a permanent casting solution that will take the shape of whatever it is coating. When the casting is dry remove the Poodle's dead body gently so the plaster of Paris does not crack.
Make a mold of the Poodle using papier-mâché or fiberglass. If using papier-mâché be sure to use a thick layer strong enough to hold the skin that was previously removed.
Glue marbles to the mold for eyes. Add the original teeth back to the mold as well. Place the previously removed skin back on the mold and be sure it fits. Once in place you can glue the skin on the mold.
Set your new Forever Poodle™ in your favorite corner of the room so your Forever Poodle™ will always be remembered. Feel free to pet him from time to time.
Presenting,
Your Forever Poodle™ can now be Cryogenically Frozen in our new state of the art facility*.
*To be thawed out once the cure for your Poodle has been discovered in our surgical resuscitation center.
Forever Poodle™ Cryogenics fees begin at $1000.00 an hour.
Do you miss your Forever Poodle™ so much that you want her back at all cost?
Announcing;
Forever Poodle™ Cloning Service fees begin at $100,000.00 an hour*.
*To be determined at a later date when cloning is actually legal.
Today in Windshield Memorials:
Let us all take a few moments out of our busy schedules to shop at Goodwill.
And now the life and times of Gary McFall as reported by the official Mean Dirty Pirate Gazette, obituarian, Mitzi;
"Gary McFall was watching the telly when there was a knock at the door. He assumed that it was that weird looking woman from Hamper Whores come to collect his weekly payment. However when he opened the door he was confronted by a cowled albino monk with piercing red eyes. Knowing he was the son of Jesus, it is likely that Mcfall had been expecting this visit all his life. The monk burst in and thinking quickly Mcfall pushed an amulet into his face causing it to sizzle. This action bought McFall time, and he escaped by climbing up the inside of the chimney and up onto the roof. Once up there, he saw that his house was surrounded by a ring of chanting Knights Templar, Freemasons Grand Masters of the Priory of Sion and and sales assistants from the Goodwill. In a final act of defiance and realising there was no escape, Mcfall flung himself off the roof rather than reveal the locations of the Holy Grail, the Spear of Destiny and the Ark of the Covenant, and that's how he died. A minutes silence please for Gary McFall 1953- 2007"
Ida Mae:
We’re having a hurricane. In November? Yep hurricane season lasts right up until December. Did you know that? Damn thing is projected right smack at Pensacola. Right at it. I’m going to miss it. I’m going to be in Tallahassee, lobbying for homosexualism and lesbianism and sexualism and any other ism. I just love a good hurricane party with the power failures and the drinking and the nothing to do but have sex.
Really though as a meteorological expert on Gulf Coast weather, I predicted that since we had a mild winter and the most lovely cool spring and summer that we wouldn’t even see a storm. I was right. In the past the worst ones have occurred around early October. Not this year but I did expect we would have one late in the season and Ida is on her way. Hmm, Ida...that definitely sounds like a storm to remember but I suspect that when she hits the cool water in the Gulf, she’ll lose some steam and become a tropical storm.
I hate missing out on a good tropical storm. Everybody freaks out and the grocery stores look like ghost towns. Schools shut down and shelters open up. As long as I have booze and cigarettes and clean sheets, I’m fine.
Oh well maybe next year.
Just for fun I've included my Florida weather forecast:
Lottery Dreams:
I said lottery dreams not loitery dreams!
It’s something that gets me through a rough day. I stop and think to myself that I won the lottery. Then the apartment in New York magically begins to decorate itself. Then the benevolent philanthropic side kicks in. Buying shoes for entire villages and donating to schools and homeless shelters.
Then I begin to think outlandish sums of lottery winnings and the whole thing begins to become megalomaniacal...
What will the course of action be upon winning $980,000,000?
Disappear and change my name to one of the dozen royal titles acquired from those who can no longer afford them. Buy several insurance companies, drop coverage for existing customers, and insure myself to the hilt. Buy scads of old Buick Electra’s and Cadillac Fleetwood’s and have them ‘pimped’. Then drive around drunk and crash them into people at the grocery store.
Buying up zoo’s would appear to be a noble cause and aid my notoriety but really I want to close them all down to the public and have safari parties for friends and family. Afterwards I’ll have their ‘game’ stuffed, taxidermied, gift wrapped and sent to their homes. There’s nothing like an elephant foot as a footstool.
Settle down for a day or two in India, buy up entire villages and enslave the peasants to work in sweat shops, crafting fine couture garments made from endangered species. Then beat them to death when they fail to produce a durable sequined upholstery fabric hand stitched from piranha fish scales.
After the villagers drive me out of the country with pitchforks and torches, I’ll crash my Lear jet into some heavily populated area of New York City and buy lots of historic apartments and install vagrants and undesirables. When values begin to fall I’ll snap the buildings up for a song then have the bums burn them down and collect the insurance.
Then the details become vague and I begin to hire people to think up new and wicked things to do. Like Voodoo, Crusades and DNA transmogrification.
What would you do if you won the Lottery?
Funk Boutique:
If ya’ll need me, I’ll be down at the Funk Boutique buyin' some funky duds, bustin' funky moves and havin' a ‘day'o funk’ gettin’ funk all over it.
Now get the funk out'o here.
Dear Diary:
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Dear Diary, I went to New Orleans. I had fun. I stayed in a hotel. It was Halloween. I dressed up. I got drunk. I got mugged. I got raped. I got sick. I threw up. I passed out. I woke up in the trunk of a car. I don’t know where I am. Help me dear diary, help me.
The End
Dear Diary, Really did have loads of fun and wore the most dashing ringmaster costume. A Victorian top hat made from seal skin. A flouncy white shirt with lots of frills and ruffles. A black vest with two dozen buttons. A regal vestment overlay in red and purple velvets and woven metal doohickeys. Black tuxedo trousers with red satin taping. Big black shit kicking boots. A red silk tailcoat. And a wig. Lots of makeup. No pictures.
The End
Dear Diary, Met Jason. He is fun. We drank cocktails at the Golden Lantern. We drank cocktails at Lafittes. We drank cocktails at Good Friends. We drank cocktails at Bourbon Pub. We drank many, many cocktails.
Really we did have a wonderful meeting and talked shop. It’s interesting to meet someone that to this point is a somewhat anonymous commenter on an online diary of sorts, but I've come to think of him as a friend. My blog friend, my blog friends, I think is what I kept referring to all of you all. We both have similar blog histories, that of meeting like minded people that share in similar cultural references. But we both agree that blog friends probably know us and visit us more often than our real friends do. How strange.
Meeting Jason was exactly what you would expect. Very friendly, sweet, charming and more attractive than he lets on, with a sparkle. Like his comments and his posts, all very endearing. My imaginary blog friend is now a real live boy.
It all started with Mitzi and Jason. I met Mitzi at Lady Bunny and started to drop by her space and leave comments and vice versa. I met Jason from another blog that we both happen to frequent. I visited Jason and that’s where it all began. I met all of you all through Jason. He’s like a Madame, a blog Madame, a hostess as it were. A great lady and great hostess. And I plan to be a faithful customer to his blog brothel forevermore. Thank you Jason for adding the wonderful culminating experience to my visit.
The End
Dear Diary, I came home to find my wonderful post card from Mistress MJ. On the front is a picture of her enormous brown beaver. What a beaver. Thank you Mistress MJ for being such a great blog friend.
The End
Meeting blog friends and corresponding with them is like the modern day equivalent of pen pals. I watched the television program Big Blue Marble as a child and wrote off for a pen pal. They lived in Singapore and I never understood a single word and finally gave up on it. But the blog friends have had a lasting endurance. We all take breaks from time to time but for the past three years you guys have made a lasting impact on my otherwise dreary life.
The End
So thank you to all my blog friends. I hope one day to meet each and everyone of you.
I like you.
Do you like me?
Circle, Yes or No
The End
Murder is Fun:
One last thing before I trot off to New Orleans for a fabulous weekend of Voodoo and Halloween bar hopping, a little movie. A little incomplete unfinished movie. A horror movie that I began making some twenty years ago. A lonely abused boy (Edgar) finds a magic possessed ring that instantly makes him kill his mother (me). Watch for the marvelous Marcia Brady triptych on the wall above the bed. Remember this was 1988 before the famous Marcia, Marcia, Marcia phrase was ubiquitous. Also remember this was college days and my house was wrecked from making this bloody movie.
Enjoy,
Happy Halloween Ever’body
Handy Halloween Costume Ideas:
Ring Ring:
“Psychic Halloween Costume Crisis Hotline...blah...blah...blah...yeah...yeah...yeah.”
“Hi my name is Joe to Hell and I am a recovering costumeaholic and I need some help too. I know I know - even I have dry spells. I have exhausted the best costumes and being Susan Boyle is not that exciting....“
Oh but Joe it is exciting! A very exciting time to be Susan Boyle, why just think that this time last year it probably was not very exciting at all to be Susan Boyle. NOT AT ALL! But why be the average Susan Boyle when you can be Susan Boyle as a ZOMBIE.
Just enough time for me to give you a quick crummy costume reading before I head out the door to glamorous New Orleans for the Halloween weekend where I shall be a the most dashing Ring Master one has ever seen.
Joe are you still clean shaven this year? I do hope so as that seems to be the LOOK for you and I predict that all of my predictions will be bald ones.
First let me get in the trancey mood. “Miss Hightower can you bring me that sheet of LSD tabs? Please?”
That’s better, ohm, ohm, ohm...I think I’m beginning to see something. Yes definitely something divine. I’m getting the most divine image at the moment. Yes I think this is divine inspiration. I think you should be the drag queen Divine.
Just glue a little wiglet to the middle of your head and voila, you shall be DIVINE but why stop there when you can be Divine as a ZOMBIE.
Ohm, ohm, ohm...It’s coming, it’s coming, it’s clear, no wait it’s clean. Mr. Clean. But why be an ordinary Mr. Clean when you can be Mr. Clean-but-Dirty. Like Nasty. Get my drift? Or Mr. Clean as a ZOMBIE.
Ooh I’m starting to see something, yes it seems to be Yul Brynner from the King and I. No it’s Yul from West World the psycho robot killing machine. Hey why not be Yul as a psycho robot killing machine ZOMBIE.
Can’t trip much longer now, my acid is wearing off...I’m peaking...I’m peeking. Here it comes, The Emperor Ming. Ding Ding Ding.
I think we have a winner.
If that Emperor Ming doesn’t grab ya then there is always the other Emperor Ming.
One last prediction, why not go as your favorite Scoobie Doo Monster? Just print them out, cut and paste.
Or this famous Scoobie Doo, Scoobie Voodoo...
Good Luck Joe I know you will come up with something awesome.
Handy Halloween Costume Ideas:
Ring Ring:
“Psychic Halloween Costume Crisis Hotline...Please state the nature of your costume emergency?”
“Erm yes my name is Scarlet and I've tried to look as glamorous as Mistress MJ but unfortunately I ended up looking like this. Please advise.”
“Hmm. Yes. Um. Uhh. Mmm. Ohh...I’m starting to receive something, yes I’m definitely beginning to feel something now...oh wait it’s a bowel movement...I’ll be right back.”
Click.
My secretary and all around go-to-it-gal, Miss Hightower, has gone missing at the moment. She’s a spinster you know. I rescued her from drowning in the steno pool. It’s infested with yet to be married secretaries so as you can imagine my poor homely Hortence Hightower was constantly being overlooked and what a shame as she has the most amazing secretarial powers but oh what a dog of a face...wait...ssshhh...here she comes...
“Miss Hightower, where have you been? I’ve been sitting at my desk looking all over the room for you. You know how I hate that. You know how I hate to get up. You know how I hate to walk. Now, we’ve received another distressing call from an uninspired Halloween party go’er. Please rub my feet and get my swami cap, we need to induce a trance for this one. Light some sandalwood incense and splash around a bunch of patchouli all over the place, I need to channel my spirit guide Bitsy...ohm...ohm...ohm.”
I had the most interesting reading for Scarlet. From the picture I immediately felt a strong presence about this gal. The vibrations were strongly indicating that all she needed was a good Schlitz beer shampoo set with curlers. Perhaps a mask? Or a depilatory? Hows about an Epilady?
Oh wait here it comes...Something to do with the carnival...a carny...no that’s not it...a sideshow freak...yes , yes, I’m on it now. DING.
The bearded Lady.
Not to your liking? Ohm, Ohm, Here it comes. I’m zeroing in on it now...I’m zeroing in on Dr. Zira from that great planet, The Planet of the Apes.
I’m growing weary, my trance is to starting fade, “Quick Miss Hightower get me something to scribble with...I’m receiving a scrabble vision. The first letter is a T, then an O, now a P, and an A, a Z, followed by an I, and another A....ZONK. Quickly Miss Hightower what did I scribble from my scrabble?”
T-O-P-A-Z-I-A, What the F**K does that mean? Oh wait it must be Topazia the sub-human primate from Skullduggery!
The visions are fading, let me swirl my head around about on my neck to-and-fro with great theatrics and say things like, “Spirit world guide me, lead me to the answers from beyond this Earth...” Here it comes the last and final seance search...I’m seeing the great actress Dee Wallace...she seems to be having convulsions not unlike my own...She seems to be under some sort of transformation. It’s a poodle, no wait it’s a Pekingese, no wait it’s a were-creature, a lady werewolf.
Scarlet, Love, I hope you have found this Psychic Halloween Costume Crisis reading helpful. I suggest you go to your party as yourself then with great effort and a painful transmogrification, change yourself into a grisly lady werewolf and shred the other guests into bloody chunks and devour and gobble them up. Then change back into yourself and lick your lips and say things like, “I’m hungry” then transform again and again. all night long. Until all your guests are gone. So easy and no fuss. No need to bother with stragglers that just won’t leave!
Now if you’ll excuse me I must scoot to my hair appointment. “Miss Hightower, would you be so kind and fetch my scooter power chair with the Flowbee attachments and get cracking on my coiffure before the phone rings again...”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
