Cocktales:

“I always wondered what happened to Lance Whatshisname?”

“Who?”

“Lance...you remember Lance? He bought that old laptop from you the one that didn’t have any memory and then he didn’t want to pay for it.”

“Yeah. Son of a bitch.”

“Member he and Linda the Brazilian/Russian dyke used to run off and smoke crack? Yeah...yeah Linda was a cuhrazy bitch. Member that time she made magic mushroom tea and we all got fucked up on the dance floor and tripped out just starring at the disco ball? And you saw monkeys crossing the street?”

“So anyway see that guy over there?”

“Yeah we know him right?”

“Yeah he lives around the corner and has the gimpy arm that doesn’t work.”

“Eew.”

“So yeah anyway he came over and asked me if I remembered Lance. I told him that I was just wondering the other day what ever happened to Lance. He said Lance is dead!”

“What? What happened?”

“Member he took care of his sick mother? She had like brain cancer or something, anyway after she passed on he moved to Orlando. That was a few years ago. I suppose he never really kicked the cracky habit. I slept with him one time.”

"What was that like?"

"He had me in the dark hallway with nothing but the bare floor and he just wanted to hug. I don't think his pee pee worked and he had intimacy problems...a boy with a body like that had intimacy problems."

“Well he did have a fine ass body with zero fat. But he had a hatchet face. He took lots of roids to work out. I bet the roids killed him. You realize that everyone you meet ends up dead? You're like the Kiss of Death.”

“Wanna kiss me? The obit said he was forty.”

“Wow I would have guessed older than that.”

“I know then it said, Orlando Direct Cremation Service.”

“I guess we’ll never know. I bet it was the roids.”






















“So did I tell you it was my mother’s birthday the other day? My mother the drag queen? The Holy Roller Country Western Gospel singer? She’s 73. I got her a card that was for 7 year olds because I couldn‘t find one made for 73 and took out my markers and turned it into 73 and anywhere else it said 7 I added a 3. She thought it was funny. My brother sent her some roses. I know I know, I promised to get her a face lift when I win the lottery.”

“Tell me about the records?”






















“I pulled out my old Moms Mabley records and when I looked her up I found out she and my mother have the same birthday...listened to it on their birthday‘s. Isn't that freaky? I love the way she makes up stories about how she works for the government and has lunch with Eleanor Roosevelt and then jets off to India with Jackie’O to meet Nehru.”



“What else have you been listening to?”






















“Well lets see...I have a record by the The Merry Macs. Sort of a harmony chorale lounge act from the 50’s singing the Sheik of Araby. I love them, this one was in my dad‘s collection."







“Don’t you ever listen to anything current?”




















“Not really. The most current thing I’ve been listening to is Fun Boy Three, do you remember them? They did Our Lips are Sealed but what’s interesting is that they did Our Lips are Sealed in Urdu."



"They also did a cover of Murder She Said which is Miss Marple's theme song from the 1960’s Margaret Rutherford version of Miss Marple.
























“Don’t you ever find any good disco?”

“Oh girl I found a stack of D.J. long playing remix singles the other day like I Love the Night Life, and Double Dutch Bus and General Hospi-tale.

“What’s General Hospi-tale?”

















“Back in 1981 this girl group came out with a rap song about General Hospital the soap opera. It played like every five minutes. My friend Donna and I made up new lyrics for it using all the kids at that school I hated.”



“Wait a minute...wait a minute...”

“Okay so one day I came to school and was walking down the hall and everyone was giving me the stink eye especially the math teacher Mrs. Cotton (bitch) and I found out that my friend Gregg Smith’s parents had busted him for smoking pot. He told his parents that I sold him the weed. So there I was minding my own business walking down the hall and everyone was treating me like, Drugs Have Come To The Suburbs. Little punk ass bitches. My friend Donna who looked like Barbara Feldon hated those kids too. So we made up new lyrics to this song and damaged everyone’s reputation. In essence we told all of their dirty little secrets to be sung to the tune of General Hospi-tale and left Xeroxed copies lying around the school.”

“Ooh you’re a bad girl”.

“What’s interesting is that on the flip side is the instrumental version of the song, so now everybody can make up lyrics and sing along.”



“So I wonder what killed Lance Whatshisname?”

“Probably the roids”.