Impish Party Games:

Last evening on the front porch enjoying some snuff, the rocker and the cool breeze I heckled the neighborhood kiddies. Watching them play basketball across the way and simultaneously ogling their adolescent tight flesh. When the ball eventually rolled into my yard I picked it up and promptly sat upon it then dared them to come get it whilst brandishing a pistol.

One brave lad ventured past the invisible line of no return and after shooting him in the leg offered him a bandage which he happily accepted. The other urchins sensing the coast was clear came out of hiding from behind the bushes and after shooting a few of them as well they asked me to tell them all about the good ole days and what sort of things we did to amuse and pass the long hot summer nights.

Breaking off a few pieces of Victorian ornamental gingerbread and starting up a bonfire I proceeded to fill their little heads with ghost stories about Werewolves, Vampires and Christians. Once I had them sufficiently terrified I suggested that we play some tried and true summer party games.

The following is a partial list of games played in the past:

1. Wrist Rocket Rodeo: Get yourself a wrist rocket style slingshot. Grab a wad of clay from your mother’s unused pottery studio. Crouch behind some bushes, roll up a ball of clay and place in the slingshot, wait for unsuspecting motorists to pass by and then fire away at their cars. When the clay hits the target it flattens making a loud bullet like sound leaving no permanent damage. The fearful driver invariably stops and gets out of the vehicle to inspect for damage. Take out the driver for added bonus points. Also works well with explosive putty.

2. Capture the Fag: Divide teams into two groups. Establish boundaries. Designate each team’s fag and stake him to a mutually agreed upon tree. Teams then disperse and stealthily advance upon encampments until one or the other team's fag is captured. Once captured the teams take turns buggering the fag.

3. Spin the Boy on the Penis: It is as it sounds. Pick a catamite and plop him on an erect penis while other participants encircle. When he stops spinning and his feet point at another partygoer it becomes their turn to Spin the Boy on their Penis.

4. Pull the Purse: Take an ordinary purse and tie heavy gage deep sea fishing line to the handle. Several fake hundred dollar bills should be obviously exposed within the snap opening of the purse. Toss the purse into the middle of the road. Wait for an unsuspecting motorist to spot the purse filled with money and stops to retrieve it. Once the motorist reaches for the purse begin pulling the string and make the purse travel away seemingly on its own. For extra added fun: Wire the snap opening to explode once the motorist catches the moving purse.

5. Ding Dong Detonation: An oldie but a goody. Rig sticks of dynamite to neighbor’s doorknob. Ring the doorbell and run and hide in the bushes and wait for the explosion.

6. Two Cans Some String and Nitro Glycerin: My own invention. Ingredients two soda cans some fishing line and nitro glycerin. On a lesser traveled road find trees parallel to one another on opposite sides of the road. Poke hole in bottom of each can and the pop top should serve as the other hole. Tie fishing line at car height to both trees across the road making sure line is taught. This is the tricky part, fill each can with nitro glycerin and run fishing line through both holes. Place one can on each side of line and squarely against the tree trunk. When the next car comes along and makes contact with the fishing line the two cans are immediately propelled toward the car making contact and thusly exploding with a maximum bang and fireworks display.

7. Flaming Bag with Bear Trap: Find a rusty tetanus infested bear trap. Place trap inside a brown paper bag. Place bag on neighbor’s doorstep, ignite the brown bag then ring the doorbell. When the neighbor opens the door they step on it in effort to put fire out, but receive a nasty surprise. Lots of fun and so simple.

8. Haunt the House Sitter: Find a home with a teenage babysitter and or house sitter. Break into house and commence to haunting the house. Prank phone calls, bloody machetes, dismembered body parts, creaky stairs and rattled windows seem to work best. When the sitter is officially scared to DEATH, you win the game.

9. Unsuspecting Suicide McDonalds Bomber: Pick out an orphan. Give him a brand new vest to wear loaded with dynamite and remote triggering device. Give him five dollars to walk into your local McDonalds and instruct him to drink both of the gallon mustard and ketchup dispensers. Once he finishes guzzling the contents, detonate the dynamite and watch him explode all over the guests in the dining room. Note: Works best at high traffic periods such as lunch rush hour. Too much fun.

10. Orphan Stand: Instead of the usual lemonade stand why not sell orphans? They used to be plentiful but not so much these days. They make excellent slaves or dungeon companions. Fun for mischievous pranks like, Unsuspecting Suicide McDonalds Bomber. Or if your tastes run toward vanilla simply torture and abuse them. When done, toss their lifeless corpses into an open pit in the backyard and cover with lye.