Everyone is invited to my parlor. Please RSVP. Include a vivid description of who you are, what you’ll be wearing, and what dish you’ll be bringing. List various talents that might be appropriate for parlor games.
Note: Charades and shadow puppetry are strictly forbidden!
What sheet music will you be providing for accompaniment during the recital section of the program? Mabel made me put that in, she hates learning new musical numbers and the only one she really has the hang of is, “Oh Promise Me” and it’s a dreadful rendition.
Cucumber/Prawn sandwiches and lady fingers will be served promptly at noon. A tasting of my county fair award winning Elderberry wine and also a tasting of my not county fair award winning Cherry cordial. Scuppernong jams and jellies will be provided by my household staff of Lesbian servants. They’re in the scullery now busily cranking away at their contraptions making ice cream. 
There will be a fashion segment, “The New Look of 1895” as modeled by the Ladies Purity Guild. They could use some volunteer’s as Mabel, Dorcus, Hortence and Vanita are the only members left in the guild. To be followed by a round robin table sewing bee and discourse of which the topic will be “bustles”.
Does anyone have sturdy knees? Mabel’s are shot and I need a good pump organist? 
The Social will conclude with Victrola Waltzes. We’ll be learning the latest dance, “The Kangaroo Hop”.
“Crank faster Lesbian, my guests are arriving!”
Ice Cream Social:
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Dearest Madame Pirate,
ReplyDeleteI am honored to join you in your Sapphic festivities! Thank you.
I shall be wearing a day dress of white lawn, with my longest, chicest monobosom. It's trimmed in guipure and comes straight from Maison Worth in Paris. My hat is trimmed with egret and orange blossoms and comes from Missy Julie's negro millinery in Pensacola. My gloves are of white kid.
I'll be bringing a blackberry pie.
My talents include eating cucumber sandwiches, playing pocket croquet, and riding a unicycle in an evening gown.
I eagerly await your fete!
Mme. la comptesse deRenuzit
Dearest Mme. la comptesse deRenuzit,
ReplyDeleteIt is indeed my great pleasure to welcome you into my modest and humble abode for what is sure to be the seasons most scandalous social soiree now that you will be in attendance.
I’m positively pee green with envy over your display of heavenly white lawn and monobosom. I can’t say that I have ever seen a more lovely monobosom. And my dear your chapeau of egret is ravishing simply ravishing.
“Lesbian! Lesbian! Please take dictation...My dear Missy Julie, I’m astonished and a wee bit transmogrified to find myself and the Mme. la comptesse deRenuzit to be wearing the same creation that was most assuredly agreed upon to be a one of a kind vision! This matter will most certainly be handled by a discontinuation of patronage and shall be taken up with Missy Prissy’s mulatto milliners across the boulevard. Good Day Madame...I said Good Day!...Now Lesbian, have that telegram delivered by auto-gyro. Post Haste!”
Mme. la comptesse deRenuzit my table will be indeed graced by the presence of your State Fair Blue Ribbon Award Winning Famous Blackberry Pie. My county fair winning Elderberry wine shall be humbled. The Lesbians have ‘doubled up’ the allotment of cucumber sandwiches and Lesbian #1 will be assigned to assist you with mounting your unicycle.
You will please excuse me, I have some last minute details that require my attention...servants you know...Circulate darling, Circulate.
I wish I could attend! But I am doing some charity work that day. Keep giving back, you know! Please invite me to the next social. I'll need it.
ReplyDeleteI’ll bring a cake.
ReplyDeleteMichael darling,
ReplyDeleteI’m saddened you shan’t be able to attend. And all of the eligible bachelors in the village were lining up on the veranda to court and spark with you in the swing.
*Scratches Michael off future invitation lists and the social register.*
Mistress MJ - I can smell your cake from here! However being that you listed no talents you must come in the back door and remain in the scullery with the Lesbians until you have one.
Lesbian! Lesbian! Please attend to Mistress MJ at once. See that she's scrubbed down and fitted with the proper uniform.”
I shall be a vision of elegance and grace in my bustle gown, my wonderful décolletage will be enhanced with a hint of rouge, and a beauty spot placed upon the fleshiest part, watch my chest heave as I hand you, my host a pot of home made fuchsia jam.
ReplyDeleteFor the entertainment I have decided to recreate the Music Hall variety shows that were popular in the late Victorian and the Edwardian periods
Are you ready Mabel?
She was just a poor man's daughter,
Victim of the rich man's whim,
For he fucked her and he left her,
With a sore and bleeding quim.
CHORUS:
It's the same the whole world over,
It's the poor that get the blame,
It's the rich that get the pleasure,
Ain't it all a bloody shame.
Oh, she went up to the city,
For to hide her bleeding shame,
But a Labour leader fucked her,
Put her on the street again.
See him in the House of Commons,
Passing laws to combat crime,
While the victim of his evil,
Walks the streets at night in shame.
Chorus:
See him with his hounds and horses,
See him strutting at his club,
While the victim of his whoring,
Drinks her gin inside a pub.
See him riding in his carriage,
Past the gutter where she stands,
He has made a stylish marriage,
While she wrings her ringless hands.
Chorus: All together now...
See him at the fine theater,
In the font row with the best,
While the girl that he has ruined,
Entertains a sordid guest.
See her on the bridge at midnight,
Throwing snowballs at the moon,
She said, "sir, I've never had it,"
But she spoke too fucking soon.
Standing on the bridge at midnight,
Picking blackheads from her crotch,
She said, "Sir, I've never had it,"
He said, "No, not fucking much."
Chorus:
See her standing in Picadilly,
Offering her aching quim,
She is now completely ruined,
It was all because of him.
See him seated in his carriage.
Riding homeward from the hunt,
He got riches from his marriage,
She got sores upon her cunt.
Standing on the bridge at midnight,
Throwing cunt-rags at the moon,
First a scream, a splash, Oh goodness!
Has she done a fucking swoon?
When they dragged her from the river,
Water from her clothes they wrung,
And they thought that she had downed,
Till her corpse got up and sung.....
Then there came a wealthy pimp,
Marriage was the tale he told,
She had no one else to take her,
So she sold her soul for gold.
Chorus:
Darling, I'll be so glad to make your little party. I'l be wearing my favorite cerisse pelisse and under it, nothing but a minge muff. I'm a wild scamp!
ReplyDeleteI shall be presenting an interpretive danse of the Obama Stimulus Package. Coincidentally, it's set to O Promise Me.
For my dining contribution. I know you're all anticipating my famous Spotted Dick.
Oh, I just cain't hardly wait.
Lady Mitzi your Fromunda Fuchsia Jam is famous the world over. I like to serve it in a little crystal bowl, chilled over ice. Darling you’re so smartly turned out and that huge powdered wig with birds in it…Is it a Paris original? Tres chic. Naughty gal with a trefoil stuck upon your heaving bosom. I just don’t know what to say. Please continue with your caterwaulerin’, um trilling, how ever did you train your little birds to accompany you?
ReplyDelete“See him with his hounds and horses,
See him strutting at his club,
While the victim of his whoring,
Drinks her gin inside a pub.”
My that was love…
“See him at the fine theater,
In the font row with the best,
While the girl that he has ruined,
Entertains a sordid guest.”
Oh that was very nice…
”When they dragged her from the river,
Water from her clothes they wrung,
And they thought that she had downed,
Till her corpse got up and sung.....”
Lesbian! Lesbian! Bring the hook! And yank Lady Mitzi from the stage…
Dearest, Dearest Peenee, Wild scamp served with minge muff is a favorite of my upstairs Lesbian. She tends to bite. Mabel will be delighted at your song choice, but let me roll back the rug and secure the bric-a-brac before you start flailing about this time, um pardon me, I mean before the creative interpretation commences.
Oh I was so hoping that you would bring along your Spotted Dick as it was most delicious the last time you forced it down our throats, that is I mean to say, served it up.
I plan on teaching all the lesbians the Black Bottom so's we can have us a Dance Off.
ReplyDeleteI'll bring the tuna salad. There has to be seafood!
ReplyDeletewadonxrum981
ReplyDeleteThere are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating; people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.