Soph:

Every morning I turn on the news for a quick rundown of the latest gloom forecast it’s something I have done since 911. I have terrible foreboding that another world changing event is going to strike at any minute. Then I realize that world changing events are happening everyday just with more time release action than with the usual cataclysm. The newsreaders report, “Numbers we haven’t seen since WWI” and so on.

Last night was a bright clear moon and as I was gazing at it I was reminded of those who have predeceased me. I was also thinking of all the trends and music and world events that they have missed out on since their passing. I was also struck by the fact that they really haven’t missed all that much. Some dull trends some dull music and some really terrifying world events.

Two weeks ago a friend Sophia suffered a seizure. When I heard the news my first reaction was that I didn’t know that Sophia was epileptic? She’s not epileptic. Oh then what could cause a seizure then? Sunday she and another friend went for a road trip in the country before her procedure that followed on Monday. What kind of procedure? She had a MRI and then the doctors scheduled her for an immediate exploratory surgery.

Today they gave her the news that it’s cancer and that it has spread all over the brain. She has thirty days.

Thirty days? I can’t imagine such a prognosis.

Thirty days is hardly enough time to get your affairs in order let alone grasp the concept of your own mortality. One day you have a headache the next you have a seizure the next you have thirty days. They have offered her treatments but she has refused as the doctors have told her that it’s hopeless. What kind of quality will these thirty days offer? Each one comes with less quality and diminishing capacity.

I think if given the same news I would rather go when world events are at their bleakest. It would somehow lessen the desire that I want to live and the feeling that I want to beat this thing because times have never been better. Some people check out early...some people have a better check out time.

I’m off to the hospital for a visit and some consolation. I’m sure she’s already planning out her final days with a big blow out. Very sad but also a cause for celebrating her life. It has left me with dread and the nagging question, What would I do if given thirty days to live?