Last night I readied myself for bed at precisely 9:46 P.M., like any responsible person would be at that time of night, methodically and obsessively following my nightly regimen:
9:46 P.M. - Disrobe
9:47 P.M. - Empty colostomy bag, replace with a freshy
9:48 P.M. - Spray on bed bug repellant
9:49 P.M. - Dissolve daily make-up mask
9:50 P.M. - Slather on lotions and creams
9:51 P.M. - Remove right eyeball
9:52 P.M. - Place hair on back of periwig chair
9:53 P.M. - Spit teeth into jar filled with mothballs
9:54 P.M. - Unscrew left leg and place on right hand bedside
9:55 P.M. - Pop on anti aging wrinkle retarding gloves and boot
9:56 P.M. - Kneel on one knee and say prayer
9:57 P.M. - Hobble into bed
9:58 P.M. - Blow out candle
9:59 P.M. - Draw bed curtains
10:00 P.M. - Wait for Ghost of Christmas Past
10:01 P.M. - Fast asleep
At precisely 10:02 P.M. the telephone rings. I don’t answer, as I’m fast asleep like any responsible person would be at that time of night. The message was from Ms. Dangerfilled, I’ve changed her name to protect her innocence, “Hey I can’t take it anymore, I’m climbing the walls and I’m headed downtown for a stiff drink. You’re probably in bed like any responsible person would be at this time of night.” It was followed by a message received at 7:02 A.M. that contained the enticing, “Hey call me back I gotta tell you about last night, it was a good night but it ended up with police and drama.”
At 2:45 P.M. I take a bromide and steady myself for the call.
Like any Responsible Person:
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I usually have to drink Sani-Flush before those kinds of calls...
ReplyDeleteTelephones are rude and demanding things aren't they? BRRRING BRRRING BRRRING BRRRING "I ORDER YOU TO PICK ME UP" BRRRING BRRRING. When your in the middle of eating dinner! I have caller display on my phone, if I don't recognise the number I don't pick the thing up, and on the odd occasion when I have it's been from canvassers. PISSOFF!
ReplyDeleteI Love the scrooge hanging decoration BTW exquisite.
Shouldn't that "but" be an "and"?
ReplyDeleteBromides can be delightful...if you put some gin in them.
ReplyDeleteI speak colloquial Hindi, Jason. Please forgive me, before you call out the grammar police.
ReplyDeleteI wait til morning to empty my colostomy bag. Why waste a freshy while sleeping?
ReplyDeleteAaron- I usually have to pour Sani-Flush down her throat after those kinds of evenings.
ReplyDeleteMitzi- You and I are much alike in the respect for the telephone. I hate it! Unfortunately I have friends who cling to it like a lifeline. “What are you doing?” five minutes later, “What are you doing?” I’m trying to live my life so I have something to talk about when you call me again in the next five minutes. Sheesh.
Jason- I think we both know what girlfriend I’m talking about and yes most of her evenings end up with the police and drama.
Scooter- I think bromide and gin is delightful but I won’t tell you where I like to put them.
Mitzi- I think Jason was referring to, “but it ended up with police and drama.” It should read, “and it ended up with police and drama.” Like all of her evenings do.
Ray- I enjoy a freshy at night so I can feed my old one to the doggies. Recycle you know, waste not want not and all.