Did you know that a certain area of upper Northwest Florida is riddled with caverns and caves? Well it’s true and if you are a land owner in that region and you don’t have a natural spring or a cave somewhere on your property then you are spoken of with pity. Like a parent of a mongoloid child, “He’s a nice person but, oh what a shame about his lack of formations”.

Such is the case of Florida Caverns State Park in Marianna, “The cave has dazzling formations of limestone stalactites, stalagmites, soda straws, flowstones and draperies.” Trekking off the beaten path about an hour’s drive north of Panama City you arrive at the cavern headquarters which was built out of carved limestone by WPA artisans. It just has that wonderful federal old world feel about it.

Standing around waiting for the tour to begin and chatting up other adventurers you begin to sweat profusely in the hundred degree temperature, swatting mosquitoes and flicking flies, you become very cozy and intimate with strangers. Once the handsome and single park ranger tour guide arrives the temperature goes up a little more and then you descend into the opening.

The first thing he said that registered was that the average temperature inside the cave was a cool 63 degrees year round. This statement was met with a shocking lack of manners from yours truly and a hearty, “Out of my old lady”. Once inside I immediately wanted to move-in and began decorating in my mind.

This is the ceiling detail, hundreds and hundreds of years worth of work went into this creation.

This is the boudoir with bed of nails.

This is the dildo chamber which adjoins en suite de boudoir.

This is the shower.

This is the kitchen with flowing soda fountain.

This is the icebox.

I hope you have enjoyed the tour of my new home. My next Florida State Park roadside attraction will be Ponce De Leon Springs to take the cure from the purported and legendary Fountain of Youth. Where the waters are a constant 68 degrees and infused with limestone. You literally emerge glowing like a red hot rivet. If my post’s become increasingly more childish then you’ll know the cure has taken.


  1. Beautiful!
    I always thought I would love to have a basement lounge where one wall was a window with view into a natural cave and the other was a glass wall with a view into the pool...

  2. Nice!
    I'll get straight to crocheting some festive Stalagmite covers for you!

  3. if you ever open a b&b, don't send me your brochure.

  4. Is that a stalagmite in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

  5. That tour would have me go full-on panic attack. It's pretty interesting though. Good luck with the decorating; maybe some lava lights are in order.

  6. dildo chamber...bwahahaha

    exactly what would have come to mind if I'd been on the tour.

  7. Nice!

    But, please, no caving diving, OK?