Allow Me to Explain:

How to look like a $ Million and get lots of penis for less than $ Two dollars.

First you go to Tar Ball Beach. Sear your contents until golden brown, flip and repeat.

Go to da Thiff Stow, buy a vaguely Guatemalan ladies shirt, rip off the sleeves, spend ten minutes trying to button it up backwards. $ One Dolla.

Pair with a slightly above the knee silky seer sucker short with expandable slider waist clasps. Haggle with the paid drug rehab outreach sales clerk endlessly about the Barbie-Q stain = $ Free.

Then go to the Fiesta of Five Flags Parade. Admission $ 0.00. Take one free recyclable grocery bag and one small child. Place child on barricade prominently with recyclable grocery bag. Let her do the work. Stand back amongst the crowd, smolder, drink lots of booze, smoke, play hot or not with friends and share drinks and smoke weed with these ladies.

Take what you want and let small child have the rest of the beads, also make small child lug 15 lb. bag of cheap reject beads back to small cart pulled by a goat. (Saves gas).

Swing by the orphanage to drop off small child. Crack whip on goat, head to nearby homosexual watering hole. Spend ten minutes unbuttoning backwards buttons, feature prized Pensacola Beach Float beads on naked chest. Entice local trash to show penis in exchange for said beads. Never give up beads to drunken penis waggers. Tease and have lots of fun.


  1. The nice shirt is worn backwards???

  2. Ok, so I have the beads and the goat already...I just need that other stuff.

  3. Oh, honey. I may wear pink jackets to the ballet, but this - this is real glamour. I'm insanely jealous.

  4. XL: Ladies shirts have buttons on the opposite side of men’s shirts. It’s incredibly hard to make your hand try to button them in the wrong direction. Like being a lefty and having to write with your right hand. It also gives you a disorienting case of dyslexia.

    Jason: I hear you have a new beard? That’s always a plus to have a new accessory and one that tickles, no other stuff necessary.

    TJB: I do love the silk pant and coral blazer combo! If only I could wear such nice things in the hundred degree heat. Spring lasted about five minutes around here but I made the most of my five minutes.

  5. ps.
    I love this song....what is it???

    pps Love that last photo almost as much.

  6. It's awesome isn't it?

    Betty Davis

    Miles Davis's former wife...get lost for awhile on wikipedia.

  7. "small cart pulled by a goat. (Saves gas)".
    Ha, Hahaha, I thought the goat would have been producing gas...

    what a marvelous ensemble...kid included...

    get it?

  8. Lol @ Princess: I love corny jokes. The goat does produce gas which I suppose is the ultimate in recycling. I save it for when I really need to use my car. It's just my contribution to the wasteful use of imported oil. Speaking of imported oil have you seen the prices of Moroccan hair oil? Sheesh.

  9. Mean Dirty, I'm sure you story is true, although I don't remember it. Want to contact me through

  10. I'd go directly to the nice ladies all dressed in th nice Guatemalan shirt, shorts and flip flops. They look like they're having a lot of fun, lol.

  11. Far better than my weekend!

  12. You are so filthy gorgeous! That shirt is the bombtastic.

    This song makes me want to do bourbon shots and wear leopard anything.