Problem Solving:

It would seem that the USA is in dire condition, what we need is a great jolly omnipotent despot. I volunteer for the position.


First on the agenda is health care reform. All hospitals, out-patient, and nursing homes are now, self serve establishments with easy access to treadmills.

Secondly, anyone deemed to be obese (twenty pounds overweight) must submit to treadmill duty.

Thirdly, all prisons, penitentiaries, juvenile delinquent facilities, schools, hospitals and nursing homes are to be converted to treadmill-mills. Death row inmates and the elderly must serve a lifetime sentence of 24 hour around the clock treadmill duty without the possibility of treadmill parole.

Fourthly, the people of the United States now own the automotive industry and as such are required to ‘build their own cars’ and car factories are to be converted to giant treadmill conveyor belt assembly lines powered by treadmills.

Fifthly, all office space and working conditions must be outfitted or equipped with treadmill accessibility.

Sixthly, the outdated ‘power grid’ structure will now be powered entirely by treadmills. All treadmills must be connected to the power grid at all times.

Problems, solved.

New treadmill proclamations are to be issued by the dozens on a daily basis. Please turn your attention to the viewer screens mounted above your treadmills.

That’s all for now, please continue with your treadmilling.


  1. Well, that does it. I'm moving next door to an anorexic and hooking up her power grid cable to my house.

  2. I saw nothing in the Truck Stop Fall Fashion Preview suitable for a jolly omnipotent despot.

    What will you be wearing?

  3. It worked in the Vicorian era when prisoners, and by prisoners, I mean unmarried women who were found to be in the family way were forced to grind grains into flour 8hrs a day. Bring it back! I'd like to see a revival of Vicorian values, the teenage pregnant horrors you see nowadays shovelling burgers in Maccy D's makes me spit and heave!

  4. How do you solve a problem like Maria? Pray tell Ayem8y.

  5. As despot I pronounce Jason exempt from treadmill duty and placed in charge as the Official “Grid Hooker...upper”.

    “I saw nothing in the Truck Stop Fall Fashion Preview suitable for a jolly omnipotent despot.”

    “What will you be wearing?”

    My dear Mistress, of course I will be wearing something imposing and imperious and Nazi inspired with great thigh high boots and pants with the butt cut out, helmets, buggy whips and long flowing fur capes that keep getting caught up in my treadmill.

    Mistress in now the Official Fashion Coordinator to the Despot and my personal treadmill muse, from which of course you are officially excused. You’re excused muse...from treadmill duty now fetch me some clothes...

    For my next proclamation, I pronounce Mitzi to be from this moment on hence forth and forever excused from treadmill duty and to be promoted immediately to the position of, Exalted Minister of Cruelty in Charge of Creating New and Unusual Forms of Exciting and Excruciating Punishments.

    “How do you solve a problem like Maria?”

    You put her on permanent around the clock treadmill duty until she drops dead! And stops that incessant annoyingly chipper sing song shit.

  6. I should like Jason and Mitzi to assist me with tailoring your buttless trousers.

    Their first duty is to determine whether you dress to the right or dress to the left.

  7. I am suddenly gripped by a desire to see you on the catwalk with legions of fans falling over each other to fondle your buttocks.

    The reverie is broken when you trip over your cape and land in the ample lap of Andre Leon Talley.

    It is worth it, however, for the look on Anna Wintour's face.