It’s Family Reunion Time:

For Mitzi,

While combing through my contacts, mailing lists and emails of correspondence with relatives in preparation for an upcoming family reunion I realized that I was missing the phone number of Uncle Lesley. So I did what I usually do in this situation, I ring up Aunt Bennie.

“Hey Aunt Bennie, Uh huh…well maybe you shouldn’t let Fester go in the herb garden if you know that she’s allergic to thyme…I know but she’s a cat and cat’s have smaller bodies and…What? Oh no! When did that happen? Well Prissy was a good birddog I’m sure he’ll be missed…Listen Bennie…do you happen to have Uncle Lesley’s telephone number? Yes I can wait…uh huh…so you keep your address book in the laundry hamper? Don’t you think that’s being a little over cautious? Uh huh…I understand, crime is ever present but there hasn’t been a crime in Hickory for years and Sherriff Lovelady eventually found the culprit…what’s that? LAkewood 2265? I don’t know…that must be an old number as I’m sure that…wait…who’s that? Oh hello, Bob, I didn’t realize that you were still working the switchboard in Hickory after you got married. Oh that’s terrible…and he left you at the altar…I guess a girl has to soldier on and keep working after something like that happens. Say Bob, do you happen to have Uncle Lesley’s number? 2265 you say? Okay I’ll give Uncle Meredith a call up in Abbeville and see if he has a more recent number. Okay thanks Bob and thank you Aunt Bennie and we’ll see you at the reunion in July. Okay, alright, uh huh, I’m sure Cousin Ashley will be there and you can give him the sweater you knitted for him then although it’s gonna be hot, uh huh well okay then, alright then we’ll see you then. Love you too, CLICK.”

So I call up Uncle Meredith.

“Hey there Uncle Meredith how are you doing? Bursitis huh? And Lumbago? Maybe Aunt Bennie can mix up some of her homemade liniment and give it to you at the reunion. What’s that? You don’t say…so Kim is in the army? I’m sure you’re proud of him. Listen Uncle Meredith do you happen to have your brother’s number? No I already have Uncle Beverly’s number…and…no I have Uncle Evelyn’s number too, I spoke with him earlier today. Uncle Whitney? I have that number. I need Lesley’s number? No, Uncle Hillary already put a deposit on the cabin for July. What’s that? LAkewood 2265? I’m pretty sure that’s not…Oh Aunt Morgan wants to talk to me for a minute…I really don’t have…Hey Aunt Morgan how are you? Oh I’m really looking forward to your rhubarb pie…yes I remember when you won the blue ribbon…oh? You have his new walkabout phone number? Thanks Aunt Morgan I’ll give him a call, uh huh well okay then, alright then we’ll see you then. Love you too, CLICK.”

So I call up Uncle Lesley’s new walkabout number but I’ve forgotten that he’s hard of hearing.

“Hello is this Uncle Lesley? What? Oh…HELLO UNCLE LESLEY…TURN THE VOLUME BUTTON UP…CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? Oh good…How are you doing? Oh…but it only acts up when it’s raining? Well I guess a drought is a good thing but how’s the farm gonna handle…Oh hey there Aunt Charli…How are you today…I know he can be cantankerous, but where I live everybody is always on their walkabout phones. What’s that? I’m sure it’s purely innocent him talking to Casey on the Myfacebooks. Listen, I just wanted to make sure that you guys get the cabin you like for the reunion in July. Well, I didn’t see your names show up on the reservation list. You know Uncle Lesley is not that great on the internet so you might want to…oh yes I talked to Alexis yesterday and he’s onboard…yes all of his kids will be there…Danni, Frances, Georgie and Jackie…what’s that? Ashley? Yes he’ll be there and I’m sure you’ll have a chance to give him the sweater you knitted…, uh huh well okay then, alright then we’ll see you then. Love you too, CLICK.”


  1. fuck the reunion, i'd get back to that cock draped over the fence & never leave.

  2. What Norma said.

    It must have been a laugh a minute in the Victorian era, happily labouring away 'down pit' singing songs of throttling, vicious back stabbing and throat cutting. Halcyon days.

    My Great Aunt Dave 92 keeps all her jewels in a silver box hidden inside a laundry basket, she's from the Victorian era (well, nearly) and she can't abide the No! No! advert, you know the one for body hair removal, where the actors grin inanely in every scene and the woman who presents it, she calls her 'a cock hungry she baboon'.