Kitty Kat Kapers:

On a chilly Saturday night, myself and a few friends gathered around the outdoor fire pit to burn debris and the massive amount of pine needles dropped in one day by my undetermined species of tree. As we piled the needles on the fire I heard a distinct "MEOW." Followed by, "Did you hear that?"

Cocktails resumed and then another, "MEOW." Followed by my story of finding an orange tabby kitten recently behind the shed. I assumed that the mother was a stray orange tabby living under the school across the street that would come get food left for him/her on my porch. Definitely a her after finding the orange tabby kitten that was left behind, or should I use the word 'exposed',  in the move from the school to the shed. Sweet kitten that couldn't have been more than three weeks old. No sign of the mother nor other kittens. So I integrated the kitten into my growing petting zoo and didn't think about it much more other than a quick prayer, "Please, Jesus Christ up in heaven above don't let there be anymore kittens."

Another heaping pile of straw and the little chimney was shooting flames three feet into the air when I decided it could possibly catch the tree on fire. Followed by another, "MEOW!" It was decided that it must be under the boards of the deck and since we're drunk and can't do anything about it now that it would be a good idea to search for it in the morning providing Shareeka the vermin killer dog didn't root it out leaving bloody body parts all over the yard in a grisly murder scene. We continued to drink to block the gruesome thoughts.

Next morning not to bright and early I went outside to check the temperature of the hot tub with absolutely no recollections of the meowing from the night before. Then I heard it, "MEOW." So I wasn't hallucinating on the one hand, and oh shit another kitten on the other followed by Shareeka locked in death mode and undeterred. Another, "MEOW" and she was chewing at the boards then another, "MEOW" and she was sniffing the bushes on the other side of the fence. With a flashlight and Shareeka on lockdown I proceed through the house to the front door to find the whole neighborhood gathered around the damn tree. Then I noticed a large black and white cat prancing around the branches thirty feet off the ground lolling around in the tree.

On the one hand I was relieved that it wasn't a kitten and perturbed on the other that the neighbors were scrambling up my tree that nearly caught fire the night before almost forcing the cat to it's death either by smoke inhalation or suicide. Harrowing moments from the scroungy neighbor who teetered on the tips of the flimsy ladder reaching for a cat that was obviously enjoying it's moment in the news. It walked out to the furthest edges of the branches followed by a loud crack with the cat dangling from the broken remains then looked to make sure everyone was paying attention. ATTENTION WHORE!

More neighbors showed up and the one neighbor I call, "The Mayor" because he decides what people can and cannot do in the hood decided to call the fire department. Oh great and who is going to pay that bill? Then the suggestion was made that it would be easier to catch him if I let them put the ladder on the inside of my fence. I drew the line at that one. If you want to die saving a cat please do so from the comfort of city property, and then I made up a poor excuse that the decking was rotten and dangerous to ensure this from happening. I also provided some gloves to prevent scarring while he attempted to strangle the cat down.

Hours later after the audience died down he was finally able to snatch the damn thing and hand it over to his meth addicted wife/whore who exclaimed, "Bad kitty, this is the third time this week that "I" have had to get you down out of a tree.

WHAT? You dumb whore. Keep your cat inside from now on!

Meanwhile, the new baby orange tabby kitten watched the proceedings over the internet.


  1. Always lured by kitty stories, willing to sift through the cussing ("Kitty, close yo' ears!"), your new tabby is pretty darn cute. I love.

  2. Sheesh
    But just wait till he has to get the Meth Wife out of that tree. He'll need more than rubber gloves.

  3. That tree's not a pussy willow is it? Or maybe it's overgrown catnip.
    Little orange tabby is very lucky to have such a good connection...

  4. The two cunts that lived two doors north of us call the cops on me when I threatened to call animal welfare and capture their fucking cat. Said fucking cat was using our yard as its litter box and then we'd let the dogs out and they would charge the cat.

    Mind you, I love all animals, and have bonded with several cats. But people who let their cats roam the neighborhood are selfish. Said cats can put other pets in jeopardy. House cats on the loose kill song birds, pass diease and ruin gardens.

    By the way, did I tell you that thoe two women were CUNTS?

  5. What's the new kitten's name?

  6. I can honstly say, I never saw pussy up a tree. Does it look the same?

  7. The new kitteh is terribly cute. And lucky.

    I was sure at the start of the story the punchline was going to be that the cat was in the chimney. Wouldn't that be hilarious?

  8. Merry Christmas, Pirate!

  9. where have i been? how nice, you & the new puss!