Now for the Talent Portion of our Show:

















It’s beauty season and I’ve been running all over the south coaching my girls at the local level. I got some talented gals this year and some I feel could win their counties. It’s all about poise, ladylike behavior, quick thinking and a big finish.


Workin' It:





















Busy busy busy! I'm working all over the south and when I say 'work' I think you all know what I'm talking about. No pity for me please. I'm a big girl and I don't cry.


Away for the Weekend:

















To my little cottage in the woods.
























And read.
























And sleep.

















And sleep.
























And tea parties.
























And mirror time.
























And pink wellie wearing...

I'm Such a Pig:
























"That's right honey keep cracking them eggs if you want to be big and pretty like Mama when you grow up."

Harper Valley PTA:










Beweave It:
















By now many of you have seen the commercial for the I Beweave Hair Salon with stylist and owner Shocantelle Brown. For those not familiar with the South I show can tell you that this is right on target. But did you know that Shocantelle is a White, Blonde, Drag Queen named Laura Bell Bundy?





Who you ask? She was the original Amber Von Tussle in the Broadway musical Hairspray and also originated the Broadway role of Elle Woods in Legally Blonde the musical.






















I love when a beautiful girl has amazing comedic talent and is willing to transform herself into less than flattering characters. She’s also a rising country music star.




Best part is when she shoot's his pants off!

Miss Bancroft:


Flea Market Tip:


The flea market is a wonderful place to invest your money. Lets say you buy a framed illustration;
























A. It was two dollars.
B. You liked it because it looked really well done.
C. It kind of looked like you when you were a kid.

























So you put it away in the attic like a stock. As it gets older it doubles in value. Fool proof investing. You think to yourself, “I bet it’s worth four dollars now.”

Then something comes along that ups the ante.
























Then you check EBAY.

The ad torn out of a magazine sells for $12.99































And yours is the real thing.

Now I hear yourselves saying, “I bet it’s worth at least six dollars now.”

Little Blue Bikini:















I’m going to wear my new sheer blue bikini to the beach today.

















It’s practically see-through when wet.
























My furry friend likes a blue bikini.
























So does my hairless friend.

Current Reading:














Natchez on the Mississippi, by Harnett T. Kane














I spent the summers in Natchez MS with my cousins and my aunt Linda exploring Indian burial mounds and digging arrowheads out of the creek beds. My aunt a member of the Natchez Garden Club knew I was interested in history and she made sure I had plenty to do. We visited and viewed the grand homes throughout the area.

Before everyone gets in an uproar about Natchez and slavery let me just say that the majority of the population of plantation era Natchez were of Northern heritage.

So there!

Natchez is steeped in history and one of it’s residents was Philip Nolan of whom the story, The Man without a Country is based. He married Fannie Lintot the sister of Katherine Lintot Minor wife of Major Stephen Minor the future Governor of the Mississippi territory.

Major Minor and his wife Katherine (The Yellow Duchess) made the former Spanish Governor Gayoso an offer, and eventually took over the magnificent Creole home, Concord of the sloping roof. Here the Duchess proceeded to make her place an almost regal center. One of the historical incidents in connection is the story that in the old library at Concord, Aaron Burr endeavored to persuade Governor Minor to co-operate with him in his nefarious plot against the Federal Government.
















It’s Katherine Lintot Minor’s story to which this little style alert is attributed:

"Katherine Minor acquired the name “The Yellow Duchess.” She had the courage of her idiosyncrasies. She liked the color; she would have it always about her, no matter what anyone thought. For every costume she adopted an all-gold ensemble, complete from tiny shoes to feather in her hat and flower in hand. Handkerchiefs, bangles and, said the informed, her underpinnings were all of that hue. The Duchess’ drawing room glimmered with yellow walls, yellow carpets on the floor, mirrors and cornices of gold, sofas and chairs to match, mantel of a tawny shade. Artisans upholstered her coach in a golden cloth and painted it in two shades of yellow; she hunted about until she obtained four claybank horses-the closest she could approximate the proper color. She even picked attendants who were pale mulattoes of yellowish pumpkin colored pigmentation.

When she rode by, the gold fan in hand against the sheen of her satin dress, two outriders at the back, clinging to the straps, Natchez knew something important was passing. On one such trip occurred an incident which afforded her children subsequent amusement. The Duchess had weak eyes but, like women before and after her, she had no thought of wearing disfiguring glasses, even gold-rimmed ones. Or was it simply that she liked the feel of the lorgnette? Anyway, she kept one ever about her. One day, as her carriage tilted along, she lifted the implement to inspect an approaching vehicle. The occupant of the other carriage, an overseer’s wife, recognized the Duchess, and didn’t like the gesture. Almost simultaneously she pulled out an iron key, to give the Duchess a hard survey through it’s loop. A golden mulatto nearly fell off the carriage."

Jewl’ry Duty:
















After years of successfully evading jewl’ry duty I finally received the letter, JURY SUMMONS. I report tomorrow at 8:00 in the moanin’. I don’t mind really. I like jewl’ry, makin’ jewl’ry, wearin’ jewl’ry etc. For years I moved around town almost once a year and I had a post office box for fifteen years. Not one time did I ever receive a summons. At least one that I know of. Moving a lot is the key to avoiding it. And a P.O. box.

So anyway I was all set to appear and serve my civic duty and was kind of looking forward to it when a friend said, “What if you get selected for a murder trial and they sequester you in some hotel and you lose your job and home...” Thanks BITCH! I wouldn’t wish that on a dog.


















Then it occurred to me that the Billings murder case is still ongoing. Several individual cases have happened and some postponed. What if I am selected for one of those cases? My friend said, “Look on the bright side you’ll end up on Dateline type talk shows as Juror # 7 and make a bunch of money.” Thanks for wishing that out loud to the universe.





One aspect of that case is Pamela Wiggins. After the police rounded up the suspects they had one left. Pamela Wiggins. She owned and then harbored the get away van used in the robbery. She also buried the safe stolen from the case in her back yard. She was also later accused of bigamy.
























Ooh I want to be on her trial. I just know she did it. I just know she was the mastermind behind the whole thing. None of the suspects new the victims personally. Only Pamela could have had the opportunity to have met them socially and known about a safe that supposedly contained money and JEWL’RY.

We’ll see what happens. I’ll probably not be selected or if I do it will be some case involving an idiot that ripped up a $50,000 air conditioner for $50.00 worth of copper. Besides I can just look at a person and tell if he’s guilty or not!
























Now on to what’s really important, What to Wear? I’m thinking subdued like J’lo.

As Mr. Nude Infomaniac...























As Mr. Nude Infomaniac I’ve been so busy with grocery store openings, restaurant photo ops, children’s birthday parties, and nursing home visitations, that I haven’t had time to think up inane crap for you people to read. Honestly it’s been a whirlwind of glamour and when I have some free time I spend it lazing poolside in the nude. It’s an honor and a curse really.

“But I’m a taker I like to take. I like to take my clothes off at the drop of a hat and at the opening of a door...”

What the Hell is this crap fellas? I like to think that I’m nice to my people and this is how you reward me? With drivel? When I hired you guys to write witty cue card blurbs and fetch me diet Shasta I expected you to do your jobs with integrity. Is that so much to ask?” DAAAANG!

"As I was saying, “I’m a giver. I like to give. I like to give blowjobs in the alleyway of the A & P...”

Alright I’ve about had it with you guys! Bring me the contemplative reflective speech that I wrote out on the toilet paper...NOW...STAT...!

“I do my best deep thought process while in the shower (in the nude) and as part of my ‘community service’ I try to think up ways to help mankind...Why I could while away the hours...conferring with the flowers...consulting with the rain...I could be another Lincoln...with the thoughts I‘d be thinkin’...if I only had a brain...”

That’s it! You’re all so FIRED! Clean out your lockers! Get out! Beat it! SCRAM!

"What are you people looking at? You know I know you all have this image of Mean Dirty Pirate...“Mr. Nude Infomaniac“, I created that image myself, but when I try to present another side...one of the many sides of the Mean Dirty Pirate aka Mr. Nude Infomaniac...and you people just won’t accept it...I REALLY HATE IT!"

No No, I’m alright. I’ll go it alone. I always do.

"I’m a leaver. And a quitter..."

ENOUGH!

I told you guys to knock it off already! Knock it off before I belt you outta here.

Sheesh! I’ll just wing it from here.

"Um,"

"Ah,"

"I forgot what I was going to say."

"Oh yes,"

“I now declare this A & P officially open!”

The Flaming Twirler:




I keep expecting him to burst into flames.

Shriner Sunday:


I like to bring a little thoughtfulness and introspection to this solemn holy day. I was in deep thought sipping my tea and waiting for the toast to cheerily pop up. When it happened. It’s happened three times now.

I think my toaster is the reincarnated entity of a Saint. It makes Miracle Toast.

Exhibit A,



















Exhibit B,
























Exhibit C,














After gobbling up the first two miracles, with butter and Miracle Whip, I thought maybe I should start shrinning them off. You know like make a quick two bits on the religious circuit or EBAY? That’s when it came to me. I need a durable way to shrine it off and seal in it’s potency. No one likes a stale miracle.

That’s why I have invented,



















It has dozens of possibilities, like sealing up that dirt stain Jesus on your kitchen floor or marking off the shrine scene of the holy nativity that miraculously appeared in your front yard or for keeping your bathtub Madonna lawn shrine fresh and clean from the dirty fingerprints that always seem to grime her up from worshipping.



















Anyway I’m always looking for a gimmick.

So it occurred to me while eating miracle toast that my prayers lately have been taking an awfully long time to get results. What’s with these lazy Saints? Get with it I need results now. You would think with all of eternity laying around heaven they would have nothing better to do. After another bite of miracle toast it happened again. I had been going about this all wrong. The Saints aren’t lazy at all they’re just busy. Overworked. Shopworn.

How selfish and reckless I have been trusting my needy prayers of self gain with the popular Saints. Everybody is praying to them. Jamming up the lines. I need a lesser known Saint. One who isn’t so busy. One who really is just laying around heaven with nothing to do.

Like,

Lydwina -- Patron Saint of Ice Skaters


















Or, (Listen up Jason)

Casimir of Poland -- Patron Saint of Bachelors





















Or,

Apollonia -- Patron Saint of Dentists

















Apollonia was an elderly woman who, in a.d. 248, was persecuted for being a Christian. She found herself in the midst of an angry anti-Christian mob. They smashed out all of her teeth and then dragged her to a huge fire. They offered to spare her life if she would renounce her faith. She paused as if to curse God, then flung herself into the fire instead. St. Apollonia is often depicted wearing a necklace of her own teeth.