Shriner Sunday:

I like to bring a little thoughtfulness and introspection to this solemn holy day. I was in deep thought sipping my tea and waiting for the toast to cheerily pop up. When it happened. It’s happened three times now.

I think my toaster is the reincarnated entity of a Saint. It makes Miracle Toast.

Exhibit A,

Exhibit B,

Exhibit C,

After gobbling up the first two miracles, with butter and Miracle Whip, I thought maybe I should start shrinning them off. You know like make a quick two bits on the religious circuit or EBAY? That’s when it came to me. I need a durable way to shrine it off and seal in it’s potency. No one likes a stale miracle.

That’s why I have invented,

It has dozens of possibilities, like sealing up that dirt stain Jesus on your kitchen floor or marking off the shrine scene of the holy nativity that miraculously appeared in your front yard or for keeping your bathtub Madonna lawn shrine fresh and clean from the dirty fingerprints that always seem to grime her up from worshipping.

Anyway I’m always looking for a gimmick.

So it occurred to me while eating miracle toast that my prayers lately have been taking an awfully long time to get results. What’s with these lazy Saints? Get with it I need results now. You would think with all of eternity laying around heaven they would have nothing better to do. After another bite of miracle toast it happened again. I had been going about this all wrong. The Saints aren’t lazy at all they’re just busy. Overworked. Shopworn.

How selfish and reckless I have been trusting my needy prayers of self gain with the popular Saints. Everybody is praying to them. Jamming up the lines. I need a lesser known Saint. One who isn’t so busy. One who really is just laying around heaven with nothing to do.


Lydwina -- Patron Saint of Ice Skaters

Or, (Listen up Jason)

Casimir of Poland -- Patron Saint of Bachelors


Apollonia -- Patron Saint of Dentists

Apollonia was an elderly woman who, in a.d. 248, was persecuted for being a Christian. She found herself in the midst of an angry anti-Christian mob. They smashed out all of her teeth and then dragged her to a huge fire. They offered to spare her life if she would renounce her faith. She paused as if to curse God, then flung herself into the fire instead. St. Apollonia is often depicted wearing a necklace of her own teeth.


  1. "Exhibit A"

    W.C. Fields was a saint?

  2. Oh, dear sweet St. Casimir (of Pole land) we thank you for the Miracle Whip. Please hear my prayers and bring me a man. Blessed Saints Apollonia and Vanity 6, please make him nasty.


  3. JASON stole my "Vanity 6" snark, damnit!!!

    I think that first miracle toast looks like Captain Kangaroo. Just saying: where's the miracle in that unless Mr. Green Jeans was hung like a horse cock.

    I've always wanted a bathtub Madonna. With Xmas lights around it naturally. And I think I'd coat the entire interior with blue glitter. Fabu!

  4. XL: Didn’t you know that W.C. was the patron saint of whiskey?

    Jason: Keep praying! I have heard that this actually works. The lesser known saints that is. They just don’t have anything to do. If Casimir grants you a nasty man then I want a finders fee.

    Michael: I was just ten years old when I was blinded by the blue of Mary’s cloak. Full of Grace, Full of Grace.

  5. If the Jesus face appears on anything less than a tortilla, I am not buying it.

    Saint Fabiola is the patroness of all good time girls. Look her up

  6. if you do market sharine wrap, try to get palin's puss on the box. they'll positively fly off the shelves.

  7. Clever and smart, thanks for the fun ride.

  8. Uncannily, I was just reading about the patron saint of ice skaters.

    Are we reading the same book, perhaps?

  9. I love bathtub Madonna, but surely someone with such heavenly effects at Her disposal would choose something special, a little more dramatic for a comeback other than a 50p plaster of Paris rural roadside statuette. The parting of the Red Sea, for instance, appearing stood in a golden conch shell surrounded by heavenly bodies. There'll be Gok Wan to greet her and offer his best fashion tips and the importance of the asymmetrical bob let her know how important making a showbiz entrance is.

    Sometimes if I've lost something I have a quiet word with Saint Anthony.

    "Somethings lost and can't be found. Please Saint Anthony look around"

    9 times out of 10 it turns up

    When I lost my ipod I said the rhyme aloud and immediately my eyes were directed to my CD collection and there between Kate Bush's Hounds of Love and Janis Joplin's Greatest Hits was a little wrap of cocaine. I was thrilled. Then I remembered my ipod was on recharge in Carmen's bedroom.

  10. White Bread, butter and Miracle Whip? Is this the secret to such a shapely ass?