Shoplifting for Christmas:

Been busy with my last bit of Christmas shoplifting. Nothing says Happy Holidays like a gift nicked from an unlocked car. Who cares if it’s a dress and the recipient is a man, it’s the thought that counts. That you took the time to steal him something says it all.

People can be so picky.

Just be glad that I didn’t try to make you something. If it didn’t come from a store with a real designer label sewn in, then you just don’t care about that person. No one likes homemade gifts.

Unh uh, no way.

It gets tossed right into the trash or sent to the orphanage. If it’s a tacky holiday sweater then I try to cut it into small workable pieces for the elderly to stitch up into quilts or throw pillows. Nursing homes are in need and are in short supply of good quality fabric squares. Usually I throw holiday sweaters prominently on top of my Christmas garbage pile in front of my house as a warning.

I’m trying to be frugal this year and recycle. I’m re-gifting. I’m sending back all the unwanted doodads, whatnots and bric-n-brac to the original senders along with their last years Christmas card and their names scratched out.

I know times are tough and money might be scarce but struggle to save Christmas and spend money that you don’t have on people that you don’t like. Tradition must be upheld. At least spend the day hiding under cars in parking lots of the shopping malls. When shoppers return with armloads of Christmas goodies, reach out and slice their Achilles tendons. They fall to the ground and drop their presents at the same time.

You’ll make out like a bandit.

Then there are those that say, “We’ll have plenty of Christmas cheer just as long as you are here...your love is all the Christmas that I need”.

Yeah right!

Tell that to the Jews who expect plenty of Christmas presents underneath the tree...Here’s little Suzannah to sing about Christmas shoplifting.


  1. FIRST!

    I've never been first. Ever.

    But really, shoplifting I understand but the horror of having to publicly admit WALMART would be a punishment worse than anal warts.

    Neither of which I am familiar with.

  2. I'd like that I AM A THIEF I STOLE AT WALMART sign.
    Can you steal it for me, pleaaaaaaaaaaase.

    thank you.

  3. Start developing your shoplifting skills early.

    Like this 4-year-old boy who got drunk and stole his neighbour’s dress from under the tree.

  4. We’ll have plenty of Christmas cheer just as long as you are here...AND you bring me a gift!

  5. I went to a friends house the other day and she was wearing a Christmas sweatshirt...I was at a loss for words.

    Merry Christmas!

  6. Miss J thinks ALL criminals should have to wear placards describing their crime. Half of Los Angeles would be standing by the freeway wearing, "I drive like an asshole".

  7. Miss Janey just made me snort!

    You know, you have SO many good holiday ideas that I hardly know where to start! Should I start regifting first or snatching things from other people's cars? What a quandry. But either way, I win, and that's all that matters at X-mas, right?

  8. Is that dress for me Ayem8y?

    Shop lifting use to be such a joy in the olden days, but those pesky CCTV cameras makes it a bit more challenging. However, supermarkets have introduced those self service check-outs. Which means you can pick up a flat screen television and put it through as a bag of potatoes.