Handy Halloween Costume Ideas:

Ring Ring:

“Psychic Halloween Costume Crisis Hotline...Please state the nature of your costume emergency?”

Erm yes my name is Scarlet and I've tried to look as glamorous as Mistress MJ but unfortunately I ended up looking like this. Please advise.

“Hmm. Yes. Um. Uhh. Mmm. Ohh...I’m starting to receive something, yes I’m definitely beginning to feel something now...oh wait it’s a bowel movement...I’ll be right back.”


My secretary and all around go-to-it-gal, Miss Hightower, has gone missing at the moment. She’s a spinster you know. I rescued her from drowning in the steno pool. It’s infested with yet to be married secretaries so as you can imagine my poor homely Hortence Hightower was constantly being overlooked and what a shame as she has the most amazing secretarial powers but oh what a dog of a face...wait...ssshhh...here she comes...

“Miss Hightower, where have you been? I’ve been sitting at my desk looking all over the room for you. You know how I hate that. You know how I hate to get up. You know how I hate to walk. Now, we’ve received another distressing call from an uninspired Halloween party go’er. Please rub my feet and get my swami cap, we need to induce a trance for this one. Light some sandalwood incense and splash around a bunch of patchouli all over the place, I need to channel my spirit guide Bitsy...ohm...ohm...ohm.”

I had the most interesting reading for Scarlet. From the picture I immediately felt a strong presence about this gal. The vibrations were strongly indicating that all she needed was a good Schlitz beer shampoo set with curlers. Perhaps a mask? Or a depilatory? Hows about an Epilady?

Oh wait here it comes...Something to do with the carnival...a carny...no that’s not it...a sideshow freak...yes , yes, I’m on it now. DING.

The bearded Lady.

Not to your liking? Ohm, Ohm, Here it comes. I’m zeroing in on it now...I’m zeroing in on Dr. Zira from that great planet, The Planet of the Apes.

I’m growing weary, my trance is to starting fade, “Quick Miss Hightower get me something to scribble with...I’m receiving a scrabble vision. The first letter is a T, then an O, now a P, and an A, a Z, followed by an I, and another A....ZONK. Quickly Miss Hightower what did I scribble from my scrabble?”

T-O-P-A-Z-I-A, What the F**K does that mean? Oh wait it must be Topazia the sub-human primate from Skullduggery!

The visions are fading, let me swirl my head around about on my neck to-and-fro with great theatrics and say things like, “Spirit world guide me, lead me to the answers from beyond this Earth...” Here it comes the last and final seance search...I’m seeing the great actress Dee Wallace...she seems to be having convulsions not unlike my own...She seems to be under some sort of transformation. It’s a poodle, no wait it’s a Pekingese, no wait it’s a were-creature, a lady werewolf.

Scarlet, Love, I hope you have found this Psychic Halloween Costume Crisis reading helpful. I suggest you go to your party as yourself then with great effort and a painful transmogrification, change yourself into a grisly lady werewolf and shred the other guests into bloody chunks and devour and gobble them up. Then change back into yourself and lick your lips and say things like, “I’m hungry” then transform again and again. all night long. Until all your guests are gone. So easy and no fuss. No need to bother with stragglers that just won’t leave!

Now if you’ll excuse me I must scoot to my hair appointment. “Miss Hightower, would you be so kind and fetch my scooter power chair with the Flowbee attachments and get cracking on my coiffure before the phone rings again...”