Handy Halloween Costume Ideas:

I’ve been extra special busy this year manning the phone at the Halloween Costume Crisis Hotline. Like my hotline? I got a sweet deal on it from the J Geils band, as they no longer have any use for it. It takes lots of stamina and libido to man a phone, believe me I know.

So it’s the Mistress's turn. What with all her Mistressing she hasn’t had the time to think up a proper costume. So upon receiving her photo, I laid hands on it and gave it a proper reading. The vibrations were strong. Pale skin, raven hair, ruby red lips, I thought immediately of Edgar Allen Poe.

Edgar Allen Poe, but as a ZOMBIE. I had my sketch artist take the liberty of creating this likeness.

My second psychic transmission took the form of sweet little Snow White.

Then immediately that image left my brain and was replaced with this one.

A few moments passed and the Bride of Frankenstein appeared, but that would be too easy as everyone would instantly recognize her.

Betty Page, Betty Page, Betty Page, the name was ringing in my ears and then I realized it was just a locomotive in the far distance. I handed it over to Miss Hightower who cranked out yet another Zombie. “Honestly Hortence can’t you knock it off with the ZOMBIES and give it a rest?” I must say she really has a way with ZOMBIES though.

Mistress's wasp waist was giving me pause...menopause, and Maila Nurmi worked her way into the scheme.

Then everything went dim! Nothing, fini, nada. I lost my connection. The suction from the great void was gone. “Miss Hightower would you turn the vacuum back on please?”

The visions began to return. Jungle Red, Jungle Red, Jungle Red, and Norma Shearer instantly appeared, but as we all know Jungle Red nail polish is prone to inducing Jungle Madness.

The two words began to entangle, Madness, Mistress, Madness, Mistress, and then the final vision occurred, none other than the mistress of them all Miss Crystal Allen.

With that it was over. I hope you have found this reading helpful Mistress MJ.

Ring, Ring:

“Halloween Costume Crisis Hotline...please state the nature of your costume emergency...I‘m getting a strong indication that you should wrap yourself in white plastic garbage bags and go as White Trash!”



  1. For years I've wanted to be the Evil Queen from Snow White. One of these years I will. I think that would be such a fun costume.

  2. Yes, oh yes!

    I want to be Crystal Allen simply so I can say...

    "There is a name for you, ladies, but it isn't used in high society... outside of a kennel."

  3. Much like Chaka, the Mistress is EVERY woman.

  4. Can't believe you didn't think of this one: http://www.disneystore.com/adult-costumes-cruella-de-vil-costume-for-women/p/1250663/13812/

  5. Given her huge talents and the country setting, I'd've thought MJ would gone as the larger than life Dolly Parton!

    The houseboys can dress up as her support bra.

  6. I've tried to look as glamorous as Mistress MJ but unfortunately I ended up looking like this.
    Please advise.

  7. JASON: yes, but then Ms. Khan went on to assert that being a woman was directly equivalent to being a backbone, and as you can see the whole 'bony' analogy just goes crashing to the ground once you contemplate the above picture of the Mistress (diggez the hip measurements on that plush booty. How many among you dream of being that tree swing, hmmm?)

    In other news, Mr.Pirate, I salute you. I do that a lot these days. The medication is taking the lords sweet time kicking in but there you go.
    *salutes several times in rapid fire succession, shouts 'PEEHOLEFUCKSHIT!' and scuttles away*

  8. Just tell everyone to be a cougar.