Pool Party:

Pool party this weekend at my beach bachelor pad.

Today's entertainer, "Sheila" direct from France.

Would someone please knock Annette out she’s ruining my party with those sappy songs wafting up over the dunes.

The beach hotdog hut hangout hangers-on keep strolling up.

They need to bring some booze and dope and stop drinking and smoking mine.

Oh Look there’s Edie Sedgwick, if you need me I'll be in the cabana shootin’ smack with Edie.

“If this riff raff aint gone when I come back then I'm gonna go all Amber Von Tussle on your asses and squash you like roaches!” It’s all in the leg work.

Each guest is assigned a pool boy and he is YOUR responsibility. Check your anklet pool tag for corresponding pool boy and match numbers.

For instance Mistress never leaves my parties and as such has permanently been assigned pool boy # 1. Claude "Sport Butt" Jenkins.

DuPree - You need a pill buddy, “Oh Edie...Edie could you take DuPree to the cabana and give him a pillbox? That’s a good girl put lots of Bennies and Ludes and some Nembutal...throw some of those red ones and the blue ones...” Remember Edie is your pill buddy and Eddie is your poolboy. Don’t confuse the two...ever. Oh and would you mind wearing a condom while you swim? Last time you totally polluted my gene pool with your chlorinex.

Viva - Dolph will be your poolboy, “He really wants to get away from Grace, maybe a long walk down the beach would do you both some good. There’s the loveliest little dune down the way if you know what I mean?

By the by, Grace promised to perform for us later tonight...and no she won't be stripping and chewing up the guests like last time. She better hadn't dare.


  1. I was doing the "Papa" dance when one of Sheila's dance moves knocked me into the pool.

    Where are your pool boys? I need a refill.

  2. Check your pool tag for corresponding pool boy.

  3. Please tell the pool boys to stop stealing my pills - I'm getting damned annoyed.

    Where's my martini?

  4. One Dolf Lundgren for me, please!

  5. Lord DuPree receives Eddie the “Cowboy” poolboy # 2. Keep an eye on him though he likes to wander off and up on the rooftops to flash the partygoers. But he’s loyal and he hates pill snatchers, all the time bloodying the other poolboys noses for such infractions.

    Lady Diva Viva - Your wish is my command. It just so happens that I have a fresh Dolph in stock. Your gonna have to share him though because Grace Jones showed up uninvited, I hate it when she does that. Lord she’s a mess all coked up and not taking her Prozac but she promised to do a show for us tonight.

  6. WOW!
    And it's not even my birthday!
    I love you, Mean Dirty Pirate - you are the best host ever since Vincent Price's wacky way out beach parties!

    (Pours the Pirate another Mai Tai...)

  7. Sweetums, I'll take the straight boys in the yellow square cut trunks.

    And NOT because of any fetish color coordination.

  8. My my, your brain sure has gone DICK recently...good for you! I hope you'll save some for the rest of us!