What’s a Scuppernong?

I know, I know, another botanical post! Has Mean Dirty Pirate gone off his rocker? The answer is yes. I have but a few scant moments in time before the massive heat wave known as summer settles in and the wee little darling plant-lings will have to fend for themselves. Once the temps reach ninety the evisceration begins. So special care is given to provide them with everything they need before I take to the conditioned air for the rest of the season. Good luck to them all and I’ll see them in the fall.

It all leads to porn. Isn’t that always the case? Searching along for information about plantings and nurseries, I was appalled by the lack of gardening porn. How am I possibly going to endure a barrage of scientific terms like genus and species without a few pictures of scantily clad gardeners and hoers? It makes the bland information more digestible, more palatable, like a visual sorbet between shrubs and bushes.

In efforts to explain what a Scuppernong is to readers I researched it. So librarianish. Anyway the Scuppernong and in particularly the bronze Scuppernong is a muscadine. A grape that can be eaten right off of the vine or made into delicious jams and jellies or wine. I go for the wine but most usually eat them off of the vine while hamocking under the vineyard. Imagine my surprise to find Scuppernong soft core porn.

Tara Scuppernong Grape Vine (Male)

Are Scuppernongs Tranny? What else could explain this picture accompanied by the title above? Google it! The description is even more baffling, “The (Male) Tara Scuppernong Grape Vine is cold hardy to 0*F. The Scuppernong grape from the (Male) Tara Scuppernong Grape Vine is large, tasty, bronze-colored, and is self pollinating.”

So my male bronze Tranny Scuppernong vine is named Tara? That explains a lot but the real clue wedged into this enlightening tidbit is the, ‘self pollinating’ clause which we all know is code for ‘Tranny’ oh and the fact that the (Male) Tranny grape is large and tasty.

More categories produced even more titillating erotic, exotic, soft core plant porn. Take a look at the Bamboo section and then flowering bulbs etc. I shall forever order all of my gardening needs from this place, thanks to Ty Ty nurseries for making my gardening pornier.


  1. Yeah, yeah, muscley boys and trannies and porn, but in the whole post, I'm most struck with and jealous of your hammock. Dang.

  2. What an lovely spread the Pirate has....

    Miss J cannot BELIEVE he got here first! Oh, well...

    For more garden porn, see: Peenee, Mr.

  3. Scupperdongs, more like it.

    I won't even attempt to explain that picture.

    Y'all got any muscadines out there?

  4. I'm still feeling woozy from my Google results for Hairy Manzanita.

    The horror...

  5. Are they a seedless variety?

  6. Here’s my personal contribution to your gardening porn collection.

  7. I just can't help saying it over and over again - scuppernong, scuppernong, scuppernong - it's like Muppets mating.