Teen Beat:

Once long ago in 1978 I mailed a $9.00 money order for a yearly prescription to Teen Beat-off Magazine. I never received a single issue. It destroyed my faith in the US Postal service and teen magazines in general. I never quite recovered. Now I’ll finally find out if success will spoil Shaun and Parker’s friendship or at the very least if it spoiled their sexual relationship.

Today I received the entire years worth and an apology from the US Postal service explaining that a lecherous employee that collected mountains of kiddy porn had stolen them. Teen Beat is kiddy porn? Say it isn’t so? After reading several issues I’ve come to the conclusion that it is not kiddy porn but rather porn for the kiddies.

There is nothing hotter than a Scott Baio nipple.

How about Leaf?

How about Leaf's basket?

What about suggestive advertising? Okay so there is nothing remotely vaguely suggestive about two French cut gals wrestling with a 20-inch baguette?

My walls were bare due to Postal negligence.

I never had the chance to wear Starsky & Hutch.

I could have vicariously attended Kristy and Jimmy’s Studio 54 Disco party. But NO. Is it just me or is Kristy’s teenage adolescent lesbian angst showing at the disco party. She looks uncomfortable holding Burt’s hand. I wonder where they were going? To the balcony for some blow I bet. She only lights up when the teenage model and movie star sensation Brooke Shields arrives. I bet Jodie Foster is nearby.

I could have picked up disco dancer beauty tips too.

Here’s a great beauty tip: Use Farrah Fawcett Shampoo and conditioner. It will make your hair look just like Farrah's. I swear.

Did you know that Farrah agreed to appear in six episodes of Charlie's Angels over the next two years. I didn’t know that because I never got my Teen Beats!

Speaking of Farrah, I think it is interesting to note that this photograph is historically important from the standpoint that it was at this exact moment that it all began to go horribly wrong for our little Tatum.

For Jason.

Too bad Greg didn’t enjoy flashing his package in the stunning color pictorials that Teen Beat lavishly splashed on one or two pages every now and then. I always dreamed of one day becoming Mrs. Greg Evigan. Mr. & Mrs. Greg Evigan. Mrs. Evigan. Mrs. Ayem8y Evigan.


  1. Ah....thank you!

    Btw, the sexual relationship between those two spoiled when he realized Shaun was just
    too girly.

    So he moved on to someone more butch, like Kirstie Alley.

  2. I loved Teen Beat as a young boy. I had pages torn from them adorning my walls - Donny Osmond. Bobby Sherman. Randolph Mantooth.

    When I wasn't experimenting with the two brothers who lived around the corner from me - I lay in bed and fantasized about giving myself over to any one of them.

    Years later, when I came out - my mother, who used to pay for my Teen Beat subscription gasped, "we had no clue!"

    Um. Really?

  3. Ah, Leaf, Scott and Parker. I had crushes on them, too. Sigh.

  4. Dear Mrs. Evigan,
    Did you notice every pupil in every photo is HUGE? Just take a look at Parker's glassy orbs. Loados.

  5. BTW, that's LEIF bitches. As in:

    "Teacher, teacher I declare
    Leif's not wearin' underwear."

    Wonder how that went over in jail...

    BTW, this is the MFin' motherlode. Thank you USPS!

  6. parker stevenson was my fave....

  7. Spooky that you and me seem to be on the same wavelength lately. I've been jonesing for my Shaun Cassidy albums, none of which are on cd. When we move into the house I'm buyin' a turntable so I can play all my Shaun Cassidy albums again.

  8. Oh you poor, poor dear! Deprived of all this richness by an evil and uncivil servant! The pain and betrayal you must have suffered....

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  10. I will never forgive that tramp, Victoria Principal for getting Andy Gibb hooked on coke and ruining his life! That shameless harlot & poor excuse for an "actress" robbed the world of a fine, hot Solid Gold host! She IS the true Yoko of Studio 54, not Farrah, Tatum!

  11. Best post ever! I can't believe you got the apology and all! amazing.

  12. I was hoping to be Mrs. Parker Stevenson.
    Just think of the dinner parties we could have had!
    Excellent post.

  13. That French-Cut jeans ad is hysterical...and wrong!

  14. I love the close up on Leaf's bulge Mmmmmmmmm

  15. being the old porn aficionado that I am, I could swear that Greg Evigan did a Playgirl photo shoot sometime in the late 70s...under that name.