Sorry I Missed Your Call:

“Leave a message and I’ll get back with you.”


“Rochelle...I’m callin’ to give you a update on my roadtrip’n to Boston. I’m standin’ in Harvard Square and it’s sleetin’...well actually it’s kinda snow flurry’n...It’s fuckin’ cold as shit an snowin’ up here...dang it’s cold.”


It’s downright un-American for it to be snowing in the middle of Spring Break. Who goes North for the Spring time anyway?

Everbody done got the Sprang Fevah with the bi-kinis and the flip flops.

Pretty Pretty Pretty.

Everybody is so pretty this pretty Spring season even the ugly people are prettier. Pretty is “IN” this Spring.

How To Get Gulf Breeze Pretty:

Gulf Breeze Girl, Gulf Breeze Girl,
Livin’ in her Gulf Breeze Whirl...

Still working on the lyrics for that one a theme song for a show about rich Gulf Breeze beach girls.

They’re hot. No one is prettier than a Gulf Breeze girl.

No one does theme songs for TV shows anymore.

The Gulf Breeze girl is the resulting offspring of a refined Southern beauty and an imported Ivy League businessman. The genes just go together. The Gulf Breeze girl is radiant. She’s educated elsewhere but vacations at home...on the beach. The Sun is her make-up. It highlights her features it highlights her hair. she is Enhighlightened.

How To Get Her Look:

Simple ponytail, a frisky T, short shorts, flip flops, string bikini. Strip it all off and lie in the sun for four hours a day.

Expose and age skin from 10:00 A.M. till 12:00 P.M.

A light lunch and girl talk under the umbrella.

Return to the Sun from 2:00 P.M. till 4:00 P.M.

Everyday from March 5th till September 30th.

More Pretty Spring Pretty-Up Tips:

Live close to the beach.

Beachside Pedicure:

Go to the beach with your nail clippers.

Use the digger to remove funk from under your dingy toenails.

Snip off long winter growth and fling clippings into the air to feed the seagulls.

Strip naked and lie face down in the sand while a friend drags you from one end of the beach to the other.

The gentle exfoliating sand granules will slough off old dead skin cells and reveal shiny fresh new nails.

Add polish if so desired.

Required Beach Reading:

It has the best beach scene so it’s appropriate.

Required Beach Tune:

It has a good beat and you can dance to it.


  1. I loves me some bubba butt crack on the beach.

  2. Great posting Pirate...
    The Flirts, that's one of my all-time favorite albums!

  3. Being a CA girl, I certainly appreciate beachness. I can't wait to get enhighlightened this summer! (What a fantastic word you just invented!) Beaching is a perfect youth-preserver. The sun bakes the wrinkles away, under a fabulous outer crust of tan.

  4. What is it about that gorgeous green-blue water that makes MIss J wanna dive in, sunscreen or not!

  5. Soooooooooooo love the Flirts...especially Passion.

  6. Such beautiful mean sand y'all have there.