Lurid Whorish Dirty Details:

Okay, alright already, Dirty whorish details coming right up.

For TJB, As I stated below but buried in my endless Farrah adoration, I wore the palest of pink fine-line dress shirt with a pink and blue striped rep tie. Navy blue blazer with brass buttons, faded distressed jeans and tasseled loafers. Just a hint of Armani musk with a top note of SEX. It’s spring here ya’ll.

Okay so yes I did bed my handsome Craaay’g. He’s about six feet tall with the most gorgeous full head of closely cropped salt and pepper hair I’ve ever seen with baby blue eyes. Lean very attractive body with just the right amount of dark body hair. It swirls in the most hypnotic fashion. Thoroughly masculine thighs that can be expected from a tall man with great proportions. You know the actor guy Chris Meloni well it’s like that with silver. So he has about a thirty two inch waist and forty two inch chest and he’s about forty himself. Tight ass. Firm tits. Nice teeth. Heaven. Usually in this instance I don’t need to know your name just get in my bed and put your butt in the air but like I said we know one another so it’s a little tricky if you don’t want to be perp walking the next time you see him. It was a pleasant and dignified exchange of bodily fluids. One that shall be repeated again according to the phone call I received earlier today.

Now that those pesky details are out of the way let me say that it’s ridiculous to expect two gay men to be monogamous and at my advanced age I put out on the first date. Presuming that you have had previous conversations and flirtations of course. Who am I kidding I fuck’em right then and right there. “Oh the back seat of your car? that’ll do”. The following are notes from my playbook.

Gay sex and the single girl or How to Bait a Successful Man Trap,

Assuming that you did all of the right things in advance like clever conversation and genuine interest in the trick in the first place everything can go down like a battle plan. First of all when I go out on a date and one I’m pretty sure will end up at my place I start cleaning at least a week in advance. Then when you and your date decide to move on with your plans of fornication you can always state that, “Oh my place is a wreck and honestly I haven’t picked up in weeks, and I’m so embarrassed for you to see it this way.” Then when you open the door to an immaculate magazine spread they are literally overwhelmed. Dash in and pick up the lone newspaper left in disarray and say, “Oh it’s such a mess”.

Always have lots of favors such as liquor and snack trays or freshly baked goods on hand to serve him. If operating in a drunken stupor then just have liquor ready. Make certain that your bathroom is pristine! Then suggest that you watch a movie but oops the player is on the fritz but the one upstairs works just fine.

Now that you are upstairs entering the bridal boudoir the scene is equally important. I usually leave music playing something mood enhancing like mellow House music, nothing that requires comment. A lighting plan is essential and everything in your house should be on a dimmer! Don’t bother to bring the DVD as it has long been forgotten. Two tea light votive candles should provide sufficient ambient lighting in the boudoir.

I purchased a valet chair many years ago and it has become the hardest working accessory. Once the date is properly conditioned he’s ready to get busy and so the valet holds his clothing while you go about stripping him. Unless the stripping commenced as soon as you walked in the door. It happens. Also the little tray atop the valet is the perfect place to hold condoms, poppers and a joint.

It’s crucial that you have fresh clean sheets on your bed and another set waiting in the wings. A guest toothbrush and bathrobe are other essential items. The bedside drawer should have only the necessary items such as lube or toys and cock rings, never have old boyfriend pictures or family photo’s perched around with familiar eyes watching, it’s just creepy.

Now that the mood has been set it’s time for you to man up. No giggling, no coy behavior and rid yourself of any intimacy problems that you may suffer and no needless chatter. This is no time to ruin it.

Warning Dirty Whorish Details Follow:

Once fully nude and the undergarments have been removed, stand back, admire, appreciate and respect the naked present that has fallen into your bed. It could very well be the last. I prefer to be the assertive one as it is my boudoir lair and all. Begin by licking him from head to toe! The only conversation that is to be exchanged is in admiration of his perfect body, “My what flexible limbs you have, and You have the prettiest ass I’ve ever seen” should do the trick. Depending on the position you wish to occupy. No baby talk! Don’t be a wimp either if he wants and only wants to put it in your ass then be obliging. Be prepared for that also a simple douche before the date should have taken care of any unpleasantness. I’m serious. Nothing will make him tear out of there faster than wading through the mud. (You want dirty whorish details...you got em.) These suggestions are for my single brethren who don’t know that when you get partnered the sex is virtually over. So Jason and TJB listen intently. Peenee just verify what I say.

If unaccustomed to the position of penetration then poppers it is all the way. Might I suggest also that he who has the larger and nicer penis do the penetrating. Nothing worse than a little prick stabbing you in the ass repeatedly. It hurts. Don’t be afraid as the sphincter is a wondrous expandable orifice and with a little foreplay executed correctly can prepare the receiver for a pleasant experience. If however the operator is inexperienced and madly goes about shoving his dick into any hole available like a horny puppy then I suggest you cut your losses and the evening short. You can moan about it to your girlfriends tomorrow over brunch.

While in the act don’t just lay there like a limp lifeless fish. Be involved and anticipate your lover’s next move as in a new position. Don’t worry about the sheets. They can be replaced think of it as the price you would have to pay a hooker to do the same tedious thankless task. Remember to only make comments of joy unless you are in actual excruciating pain.

Once the dirty deed has been executed and the guilt starts to wash over you, relax. Let the memory sink in by all means don’t jump up and start scrubbing the funk away. Cuddle a little then nonchalantly excuse yourself to the bathroom then return with a warm wet towel and suggest that he use the restroom also if he chooses. If he decides to leave with a valid reason let him go with his dignity. You should already have his number. If he stays the night then you have a cuddle buddy and possibly more sex. If he splits immediately then you just got fucked literally and he‘s an ass with issues. If like me you look a fright in the mornings, wake before he does and rush to the shower.

Wake him with a cup of coffee then suggest that the two of you have breakfast someplace nice. If he’s smitten suggest also a trip to the beach or the flea market. If you wish to be rid of him complain of an early appointment when you return to work and that preparedness is of the utmost importance. Never chew your arm off as it’s expensive and painful to have it reattached. If on the other hand you find yourself in the position of fleeing then make excuses like, “What fun this was and it’s a shame it shan’t happen again as you feel terrible about cheating on your partner, or When we see one another again lets pretend to be strangers” then run, run for your life.

There you have it. My bachelor pad playbook. I have friends and I have family, I’ve had boyfriends but I don’t sleep well with others. I’m smaller 5’-9” and they always want to cuddle me to death. I never get a good night sleep. Plus I’m an atrocious snorer. One day Mr. right will come along and make a permanent dent in the mattress but until then I prefer Mr. right now.