Today I looked in the mirror and decided that I needed to get my hair did. My regular beauty operator is on an extended vacation so I got out the phone book in hopes of finding an emergency replacement. Well you can imagine the resulting compendium of bad hair establishments from which to choose. No other industry suffers from the “Cute Name” syndrome more so than the hair industry. Just a quick glance at my local listings produced some wretched examples in alphabetical order:
About An Inch Hair Salon, be careful as the wording is tricky and you just might walk out with only an inch left on top because we specialize in “Flattops”.
Beauteria Beauty and the Beast Hair Salon, “Um yes I’m here for the full on Beauteria treatment…I prefer my nails to be beautiful but I want my hair to remain beastly.
Cleopatra Salon de’beauté, “That Cleopatra wig you sportin’ is quite a beauté.”
Dorothy’s Hair Palace, This is where all of the selfish pudgy unattractive girls who were constantly fed lies by overindulgent mothers about being a “Princess” get they hair did.
Exotic Nails, “I would like a full set with French tips?” “Oh no girl we only do Xotic nail with decal and cryshtals.”
Fabiola’s Fashion Hair Salon, are we talking “In Fashion” either way it’s bound to be Fabiola.
Gulf Beach Hair, for that touch of white trash.
Hair Hut, can you imagine working the phone there and having to say, “Hair Hut, How can I help you?”
Izzo’s Hair, the last salon that features the double dutch cut. “Izzo Izzaaa, Izzo Izzu de Mizzo Mizzu, A Zubble Zutch.
Jackay’s de Beauté , another de beauté.
Krystalz Hair Salon, “I’d like four Krystalz burgers a large fry, and shake while you weave me some new hair.”
Little Critters Salon, “I’m here to have the little critters Rid X’d from my wig.”
Malachite Hair, for that laminated coiffure that is tough as stone.
Needa Hair, When you relax ethnic hair for years on end it tends to make you bald therefore you Needa some hair.
Ouida’s Salon, Ouida’s is located next door to Needa’s.
Pershu’s Perfect Kutz, Watch out as Pershu is a Perfect Klutz.
Quiggley’s Cutz, They don’t do ordinary they specialize in the zigzag Quiggley cutz.
Rubie’s Royal Rumor Revolution, The ultimate Fat Pig Princess salon treatment, it’s guaranteed to be Revolting. Be careful though as they spread rumors.
Sassy Lady Salon, If you don’t like it they slap you silly for being sassy about it.
The Hair Do, Cute name…really cute name…most folks call it The Hair Don’t.
Uniqua’s Fierce Hair, Unique, Fierce Hair! Enough said.
Vinnie’s Barber Shop, because if you aint a gay hairdresser you are a barber.
Westside Beauty, The Westside of town is pure trash but I suppose beauty can be found there.
Xandria’s X Factor Beauty Emporium, She’s my favorite and clients loiter about outside in capes and smocks smoking and talking on the cell phone with pink curlers in they hair. It truly is the Emporium of Beauty.
Yesterdays Style, This old bag that runs the place literally smokes while she sprays shellac on a long forgotten hair’ do.
Zelda’s Yesterdays Style, You guessed it Zelda is the old bag smoking operator at Yesterdays Style. I suppose she aint taking no chances as she is listed at least a dozen times in a dozen different ways in the listings.
So now you have the run down on Gulf Coast Hair Salons where style triumphs over substance and big hair remains supreme. I just might have better luck with the ever so cutely named, Flowbee.