The Three Bears:

Papa Bear

Mama Bear

Baby Bear

The Three Bears

One day the Three Bears went cruising for sex in the forest. There in a meadow they spied Goldilocks sunning himself in the nude.

After tranquilizing him Mama Bear climbed atop, “This one is too big.” Mama Bear huffed.

Papa Bear pushed Mama Bear off and climbed on, “This one is too small.” Papa Bear sighed.

“Let me…Let me…Baby Bear said. “Oh this one is just right...Can we keep him…Can we keep him?” Baby Bear whined.

“Hold on Baby Bear. Remember things are settled dembearcratically in the Bear cavehold.” Papa Bear said.

“I’ll fashion shackles out of steel.” Papa Bear said.

“I’ll hang strips of leather to make a sling.” Mama Bear said.

“And I’ll stitch up a muzzle, ball gag, and isolation hood.” Baby Bear said.

And they did.

They all lived happily ever after…for about a month. Until one day the Three Bears came home to find that Goldilocks had gnawed off his paws and ran away into the night never to be seen or heard from again.

“Aw that always happens and I made him a blue jean vest.” Baby Bear said.

“I hope he keeps his yap shut and doesn’t tell Ranger Smith.” Papa Bear said.

“Just look at this mess.” Mama Bear said. “There’s blood everywhere. Who’s going to clean this mess up?” She added.



  1. Is it wrong that I'm more interested in the magnolia-in- terrarium, or is that magnoliarium?

  2. This is WAY better than that crap the they read in kindergarten

  3. Wait so where does the Big Bad Wolf come in?

  4. Papa bear's chair matches the pelmet. I quite like the ornate spittoon, it adds a touch of je ne sais quoi.

  5. Baby bear has that Jeffrey Dahmer look to him. Are you sure he didn't take some bad acid and gnaw off goldilock's paws and then lie about it?

  6. After Goldilocks has her paws replaced with hi-tech mechanical paws that she'll get for free from the govt cauz now she's a gimp, the sequel will begin: The Three Bears 2: Goldilocks' Revenge. Papa, Mama and Baby won't know what hit them. I'd pay to see that.