I'm Always the Bride:

Congratulations to all of the happy couples exchanging vows (legally) in California. It must be a wonderful feeling. Really best wishes to you all. I’m bitter. First off even if it were legal in Florida for gay couples to marry, I wouldn’t have that special someone to marry. Gay marriage is officially banned in Florida and now a proposed constitutional ban on gay marriage has landed on the November ballot. Really, so they want to amend the state constitution with a hateful discrimination clause. Wow. I had no idea how many people who’ve never met me actually hate me. A whopping 60% of those polled agreed to casting their vote for the ban. I didn’t realize that Anita Bryant was still alive, she’s an evil witch and she cast a powerful spell...all in an effort to stop my supposed wedding from EVER taking place.

It seems to me that weddings in general are tacky! I find myself coordinating them all the time, and isn’t it odd that as a gay man I can’t have my own tacky wedding, but I’m desperately needed to “fix-up” someone else’s. While I’m watching the reception going on and the bride and her maidens are “backing they asses up” on the dance floor I can't help but think that I never want that to happen to me. I mean standing at an alter for almost an hour after binge drinking all night before God and all creation declaring undying love just gives me the heebies. It’s such hypocrisy, till death do us part in translation means three year contract at best. Most of these unions don’t last that long and Momma and Daddy shucked out thousands of dollars so their princess can end up with three children with three different fathers. If you ask me you are better off investing that money, but lately I receive a chunk of that money and I find that my attitude is changing. Let’s make it bigger and more tacky. That’s more to remember when you wake up one day next to a big fat jerk. But still I want my opportunity to do just the same thing, the tackier the better.

It would be fun to just all out make it the ugliest thing anyone ever saw in their lives, after all brides are a nervy breed and at the moment of planning the event they have dreamed of all of their lives, they suddenly loose all of their good sense and will begin to make bad decisions. That’s why they hire wedding planner’s to steer them away from such bad decisions and during this intimate relationship between a bride and her planner she places complete control in them. I could very well tell her, "Tacky, Tacky, Tacky," and then say, “I’ve just had a brilliant idea, let’s add more tack to it,” and she would nod and go along with it as if it were the most marvelous suggestion she’s ever heard. However, being the good designer that I am, I can never let that happen, too much. I admit I have advised a bride to do something just because it made her look silly or I created some decoration that stuck out like a sore thumb just for the fun of it, but only when it’s insisted upon.

You know, Judy Garland inspired the Stonewall riot that helped free up the gay people and I wonder if today's gay community can rally and pull together and do what needs to be done and that's PROTEST.

If all the gay people decided to place an embargo on all straight people I think things would get interesting. I suggest gay people only working for other gay people or gay sympathizers. Trade amongst the gay community must stay within that community and, “I want to see some gay I.D.” Let’s start with the hairdresser’s, what’s a women to do if she can’t have her hair done by a professional stylist, she goes to the Beauty Shack that’s what. Not all hairdresser’s are gay but if they aren’t they're barbers. Fashion designer’s could make everyone pee green with envy especially if the latest handbag or shoe style is unobtainable to heterosexuals. Art dealer’s, Florist’s, Designer’s, Antique dealer’s are just the cliche’ professions, but my mind is swimming just thinking about all these poor women nagging their husbands, the senators, to just let them get married all ready so we can redecorate the house, and have new clothes and decent hair styles.


  1. I like your embargo idea. It would cripple the world!

    No staight person would get laid.

  2. I've been putting together the plans for my wedding for two months and so far I've come up with:

    1) tamales at the reception

    2)...uhm, nothing. Tamales seem to be all I can decide.

  3. i'm not gettin' married, even though i could (just not in PA), so don't worry. i say we really fuck with things; let's find out where they are adding these initiatives to ballots and all just move there, register to vote, vote on pro-gay initiatives, and then move on to the next state or vote for that fun state to secede from the union (can you tell I was born in the south?).