I’ve taken to my sickbed. I cough a death rattle. The grim reaper left Whitney and took up residence near my chamber pot. My next call is for last rights or the leech vendor. If only I hadn’t watched every movie in the joint, if only there was something other to do than watch the endless coverage of Whitney-gate, if only the grim reaper knew other topics of conversation than Whitney, if only I felt like masturbating, if only someone would kill me now. KILL ME NOW!
i'm so sorry. if i were close by, i'd come
ReplyDeleteright over and drain all the blood out of you.
Oh my poor butt Pirate, I'll be right there with some gin, vapors, a french tickler and rubber gloves. You may also need your temp taken so I'll bring my rectal tool and you'll be good as new my friend!
ReplyDeleteAnd don't worry, I've been told I have a very highly rated bedside manner!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness...and they say it comes in threes...first Don Cornelius...and...well, just saying.
ReplyDeleteYou take care of yourself out there, you hear?
Imma pray for you.
Ugh. With you on this. Some kind of creeping ick that saps the will to live. It started out like a migraine and shows every sign of leaving like cholera.
ReplyDeleteAt least, living overseas, I'm spared most of Whitneymania, although that's offset by really graphic wall-to-wall Syria coverage.
Feel better...
*enters room with a jar of leeches and a chamber pot brimming with fresh horse dung and camphor poultice*
ReplyDeleteNow Mr Pirate... we will just rub you all over with this lovely soothing poultice... then we'll apply some leeches to see if we cant get that nasty swelling down...
There... hows that? I'm feeling better already....
Stay warm and I'll be back to check on you again tomorrow... There's some hot chicken soup on the stove...
Poor Ayem8y, you sound a little rough. Take comfort in knowing there are people far worse off than yourself, take me for example, the other morning I woke up at half 3 crippled with indigestion, so I had to get up and take 2 Rennies and a Gaviscon, and then I woke up at half 4 because I was bursting for a pee, then I got a phone call at 7 from my elderly GT aunt (Grim Rita 89), she's always first with the death scoops, saying that Britney had died, drowned in the bath whilst "drunk" on drugs apparently. Imagine the relief when I went online and discovered it wasn't Britney Spears that had pegged it afterall but Whitney Huston, I thought it wasn't worth writing about and so I went back to bed.
ReplyDeleteGet well soon and I hope this Whitney-gate doesn't cause you too much distress.
Yeah, you need to catch a flight to Blighty, we're not doing Whitney-gate here.
ReplyDeleteSx
May I have your LP collection?
ReplyDeletePoor darling. Can I get you your shawl? Some weak tea? Shall I sit by your bedside looking with fear and thinking "is this the moment"?
ReplyDeleteThere, there. Now, now.
turn off the tv and go to sleep, sugar! or join facebook and waste time thre! feel better soonest, petite! xoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteOh, honey, this too shall pass. Or not.
ReplyDeleteI went across the mountain today and picked up some buckets of fresh lard. I'll grab a couple & come right down as I can tell that you need a serious massage and a couple different kind of cakes baking in your oven...
ReplyDeleteTake Heart & get well soon
xoxox
wally
I hope the poultice and leeches helped...
ReplyDeleteHappy VDay Mr P... Mwah....
Feel better! That's an order.
ReplyDeleteI once had a great uncle who, at the first sign of illness, took to his bed with a large bottle of brandy behind a stoutly locked door.
ReplyDeleteHe took neither food or water for days but eventually emerged - smiling - the picture of health.
On the down side, when he finally died, he took the roof off the crematorium.
Hope you feel better soon. Were I closer, I'd bring you soup.
Do you have a discharge?
ReplyDeleteI'm only asking out of concern for all the truckers on your route.
"Judex ergo cum sedebit quidquid latet apparebit nil inultum remanebit."
ReplyDelete