Pensacola Babylon:

So earlier in the week I mentioned my make-believe Hollywood husband Jude Law. What I failed to mention was his latest foray in fornication. Numerous legitimate agencies are reporting this earth shattering news, Huffington Post, TMZ, Hollywood Gossip, Model Mayhem just to name drop a few.

Honestly can’t he keep it in his pants? Why he’s not gay I’ll never know. How many babies does he have now? How many nannies must he diddle? He’s like a one man sperm dispensing baby factory foreman. This could constitute human trafficking.

In all cases of national news there is a local connection. Of course. Pensacola has many strange things about it for being a small town. It just won’t behave like a small town. One of the most delightful things about it though is the gorgeous gene pool. People are just prettier here. Even the white trash gene is just that much prettier.

Which brings me back to Jude Law. What does Jude Law have to do with the Sordid Vortex that is Pensacola?

Samantha Burke!

Samantha Burke. The model. The aspiring actress. The conniving social climbing Hollywood home wrecking sexual succubus. That wanton licentiously loose promiscuously pregnant tart who stole my dream of trapping Jude in a loveless hasty shotgun wedding. She beat me to it. She got pregnant with Jude's love child. Moments before I had my womb installed.

Sweet little Samantha just happens to be from PENSACOLA.


  1. I daresay he could do better. Must be a sex addict!

  2. Ah...I just need a brunette wig, a big old padded bra...and a dark night and bingo!
    I'll be knocked up too!

    Of course he's been right here in my neighborhood many times, now I know what to do.

  3. One luscious Sienna Miller for me, please!

  4. Off-topic but I simply must report that last night I dreamed about you and Jason.

    Not just once but THRICE!

    Unfortunately, I can't for the life of me remember the details so you are free to make assumptions.

  5. Colleen - He would have to be a sex addict to knock up that trash. Since Jason says he’s around the neighborhood I assume he’s been over this way licking innocent little models like Samantha.

    Jason - I have the wigs and bras but are you sure we’ll find him at Bingo? BTW did you get yours at Wombs To go?

    Viva - Alas Miss Miller had the common sense to dump his sex addled ass. I respect her for that.

    Mistress - I assume that I was curing your lashes while Jason painted your toenails. THRICE is what you bellowed the last time you beat us for only doing them TWICE.

  6. It all makes sense now.

    By the way, y'all can have my womb as I'm not using it.

    Womb for rent.

  7. Oh Mistress, I dream of you and Mean Dirty all the time.

  8. And a quote directly from Texts from last night:

    (850): when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.

  9. Hey, I don't care who he fucks: JUDE LAW IS FUCKING HAWT!!!! So get off my ass and let me admire his hotness!