So earlier in the week I mentioned my make-believe Hollywood husband Jude Law. What I failed to mention was his latest foray in fornication. Numerous legitimate agencies are reporting this earth shattering news, Huffington Post, TMZ, Hollywood Gossip, Model Mayhem just to name drop a few.
Honestly can’t he keep it in his pants? Why he’s not gay I’ll never know. How many babies does he have now? How many nannies must he diddle? He’s like a one man sperm dispensing baby factory foreman. This could constitute human trafficking.
In all cases of national news there is a local connection. Of course. Pensacola has many strange things about it for being a small town. It just won’t behave like a small town. One of the most delightful things about it though is the gorgeous gene pool. People are just prettier here. Even the white trash gene is just that much prettier.
Which brings me back to Jude Law. What does Jude Law have to do with the Sordid Vortex that is Pensacola?
Samantha Burke. The model. The aspiring actress. The conniving social climbing Hollywood home wrecking sexual succubus. That wanton licentiously loose promiscuously pregnant tart who stole my dream of trapping Jude in a loveless hasty shotgun wedding. She beat me to it. She got pregnant with Jude's love child. Moments before I had my womb installed.
Sweet little Samantha just happens to be from PENSACOLA.