While I’ve been away at sea I find myself in a period of reflection and most importantly thinking about that fateful night that Robert Wagner pushed Natalie Wood overboard, I mean she fell overboard and drowned.

Which reminds me, “Do you know why Natalie Wood took a shower that night aboard her boat?”

“Because she didn’t want to wash ashore.”

In my ongoing study and in depth research for the Mean Dirty Pirate’s latest secret gay sex guide book series, “Licking Your Way across the USA”, I’ve been exploring the beaches of the Gulf Coast. It’s a tough job and some locations are isolated and secluded so I have dispensed with traditional transportation and have just floated along with the tides and washed up in the surf to partake in the licking action.

In answer to, “And where's our postcard, beeyotch?” I’ve included some of the spots that I have licked in the past week.

Oh yes and one more thing, Watch out for Skinks! Not Skanks but Skinks the slithery kind, well both are slithery but I mean the poisonous variety, well both are poisonous but I mean the reptilian variety, well both are reptilian but I mean, well you know what I mean…


  1. He looks wonderful. I wonder what I would look like with a blonde fringe. I will visit Florida one day, It's on my things to do before I die list.

  2. Skinks, skanks and possibly a skunk judging by that shock of forelock hair in the bottom pic.

    Is he your pool boy?

    Since you're licking your way across the USA, what flavour is he?

    And why is he wearing a hospital bracelet?

    Has he just been released on a day pass?

  3. How did you forget the Roundup on your Licking Tour '09 hope you remember your knee pads :)

  4. love the jokes and the beaches. you always make me laugh!

  5. Someone removed the Destin motto from their sign: "The Trashiest Community on the Gulf Coast"

  6. The Orange Beach sign!
    Last year, we stayed right next to it....or was that right under it?

  7. Mitzi - When you do visit you must stop by Rose Steven’s Curl & Style Salon and have your bangs fringed and skunked!

    Thank you Mistress for conjugating the NOUN skink for us. Skink Skank Skunk. No he is not my pool boy but rather an exotic diving carny that performs two shows daily and a matinee on Sundays at the Skankarium in a tank infested with skinks.

    "What flavor is he?" Why skank of course.

    “And why is he wearing a hospital bracelet?” He’s been bitten by skinks.

    “Has he just been released on a day pass? Yes just in time for the matinee.

    Nolasaints - The Roundup is where my licking tour began and shortly after I stumbled down and into the bay. As a matter of fact I did forget my knee pads but I just borrowed yours...I hope you don’t mind as they looked awfully new and unused:)

    Thanks Larry but you already mentioned that when I licked you at Destin beach.

    Peenee I think your confusing Destin (The Beverly Hills of the Gulch of Mexico) with Orange Beach...right Jason?

    Jason - “Last year, we stayed right next to it....or was that right under it?”

    Oh...that was you?

  8. Don't stray past New Orleans, the water gets decidedly less nice. I know, I'm near(ish) by Galveston. And I LOVE skinks! They're awesome.

  9. What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood! I remember the cruel jokes from junior high, we really had not idea who she was, did we? Anyway, now that I'm out of mandatory confinement, and enjoying the therapeutic effects of that magnificent electroshock therapy, I must say i do feel left out! I must get back into the loop and the conversation! All those signs for beach communities are wonderful!