Pensacola Babylon: Murder/Meth/Camping Edition:

It’s always white trash crime around here. I blame such stupidity and buffoonery on CRYSTAL METH. This past weekend when this horrible murder happened, two meth labs exploded and one person in particular was burned over eighty percent of his body.

I joined a group of friends and family for a canoe trip this weekend on the Coldwater Creek not far from where this happened. The first part of the trip was gorgeous and peaceful but the last one-third of the trip was filled with drunken meth addled rubes tubing down the Redneck River. RUBE TUBING.

Begging for booze seemed to be the favorite pastime as we maneuvered our way around and through the rabble. One couple in particular “tumped” over after hitting a tree limb. It was then that we saw a third passenger passed out that was sinking underwater. He couldn’t have been more than twelve years old. The couple (a girl and a boy) both immediately began to blame the passed out boy for their “tumping”.

After "tumping" a verbal attack followed from the couple and then numerous pleas for him to, “Get the fuck up Colby! You gotta get the fuck up!” Then as we passed I wanted to help him but I heard, “We’re gonna get arrested for this.” If I hadn’t so much cargo we would’ve stopped to help him. Then I heard the unmistakable sound of a fist hitting a body. By the way, I only use the word “tump” because I know it’s Peenee’s favorite and it was a source of constant amusement all weekend. In defense of the local population I also heard, capsize, tip-over, turnover, and swamped.

Later we saw a frantic well to do looking couple pleading for water, “Does anybody have extra water...please it’s an emergency.” That trash couple just abandoned that kid dehydrated and out of his mind on a sand bar in the middle of a river. The nice couple rescued him, forced water down his throat and called 911 which was waiting for him when we disembarked. That couple pulled up beside us and the boy was totally out of it but he was able to amble toward the paramedics. I overheard the sheriff say, “He’s going to jail.”

Meth is the scourge of the planet.


  1. It really is.

    It makes one long for the days of Moonshine.

    I have an entire branch of the family now in prison for either drug production/dealing or murder.

  2. I know Jason. What happened to booze and dope? Oh yeah Broadway.

    Now it’s all prescription and things cooked up in a trailer.

    On the other hand and not to make light of family situations but at least you know where to turn for some drugs or to have someone knock-off.

  3. How did you know "tump" is one fo my favorite words? I'm also partial to "blam" as a verb.

  4. Suhweet sick jebus... what a frightmare. How to make better meth: have a side-effect be infertility.

  5. Ye Gods! That poor couple and those poor children!

  6. It sounds like "Deliverance" - oy yoy yoy.

    I'll stick with martinis, thank you.

  7. I couldn't watch the video as it gave me this message...

    "our video library can only be streamed within United States"

    I'm in Canada.

    Could you act it out for me using sock puppets?

  8. MJ might be on to something...I'd love to see you act out the meth lady's role. And Miss J's got a great point too: they should add a "defertilizer" to meth so that anyone who ingests it becomes barren. I see people each week that have been ruined by meth and are going to prison for varying degrees of a very long time. They all look like they've been hit by a freight train.

  9. It's the same the whole world over. Youths with foetal alcohol syndrome written all over their faces, standing outside Oddbins saying "I'll show you me tits if you buy me a can" It's a sad world we live in.