Tranny Time:

Lady Mitzi's Manor



“Oh it’s such a marvelous estate. Forty-two rooms in all…over eight hundred acres. I still remember the lavish parties as if it were yesterday.”

She looked around and asked about the former owner.

“Lady Mitzi didn’t like to talk about it…but she had a maid you know. It was all very strange but it was a bit of a mystery and all…She kept her locked away from the public. Never let her outside…ever…she only let her out to clean…it was said that she kept her tied up on a leash…never more than a few feet away from her.”

Then she squinched her eyes together and asked, “Like a pet monkey or something?”

“Something like that but from what I've heard Satiny tried to kill her. Satiny…that’s what her name was…Satiny was dusting Lady Mitzi’s boudoir one day…and you know what a chore that must have been what with all those pink ruffles and leopard skins and Cinderella figurines all over the place…well Lady Mitzi came home to find Satiny passed out on her red velvet dressing chaise…drunk.













She had made a day out of her closet too. Trying on practically everything she owned and then she discovered that Satiny was hording tons of filthy tarnished pickle forks in her apron.” Lady Mitzi flew into a rage and lunged at Satiny clutching at her throat but Satiny stabbed her in the rear with a dirty pickle fork. Lady Mitzi finally subdued her with a brassiere strap and an enormous ceramic Cinderella sculpture.”

















She retorted, “I would have dismissed her IMMEDIATELY.”

“Lady Mitzi chained her away in the dungeon for months beating her with a whip and conditioning her to respond to gunshots teaching her how to serve tea properly…such a saintly woman…then she invited several guests to Mitzi Manor to be served tea by Satiny to demonstrate her progress and technique. All in hope of securing donations for her new project the Foundation for the Re-Domestication of Undesirable Domestics.”

















She waved her kerchief to her mouth and managed to say, “DISGUSTING!”

“Then it all went horribly wrong. While entertaining her guests Lady Mitzi shot off her pistol to summon Satiny from behind the curtains to serve. Lady Mitzi tugged at her chain to direct her when Satiny suddenly snatched the pistol away from her shooting all of her guests. Lady Mitzi managed to get away by scalding Satiny and then rang for the police. Satiny managed to escape and poor Lady Mitzi later closed the manor and moved to Paris to live down the scandal. It’s said that Satiny still lives in those woods to this day, which reminds me would you like to see the grounds?”

Lady Mitzi Responds:

Yes, it's all true, but let me tell you all how it started.

I hate cleaning, who doesn’t? Life’s to short to clean an oven or dust the skirting boards, and a Hoover is something you hang your coat on when you return home from a night out. So imagine one night 15 years ago when I received a phone call from someone, a complete stranger who was in distress asking me, NO begging me for a job and lodgings. This is how it all began…

Satiny’s mother “Joy” was concerned that there was no male influence in Satiny’s life. Well, nothing permanent anyway. She worried that growing up in an all female environment might make it hard for Satiny to relate to men as she got older and she felt she needed a male role model. Joy expressed her concerns to Madame flint the head of the household, and for once they agreed that Satiny who is no beauty should be “sent away” One Sunday evening after bath time, Joy was singing a soothing lullaby whilst brushing her daughter’s long lank hair “I know of a wonderful place where you’ll have the chance to mix with members of the opposite sex” said Joy as she was removing a big fat mother nit from the clutch of eggs from Satiny's head and dispersing it with a loud crack between her nails. “It’s not far away, it’s an abbey in England, and the monks there are really kind”. So, that’s how at the tender age of 32, Satiny left her native New Zealand on a one-way plane ticket to England and was sent to live at Jervaulx abbey for the time of her life. However, it wasn’t to be, as Jervaulx Abbey lied in ruins, and has done for centuries. Her mother was seeing a punter at the time, a hypnotist by trade, and Joy had undergone hypnotic regression back to the time when she was a monk in a former life, and ever since she's been confused with her past life and her present one the two would merge and she would often pee standing up as a result.

Frantic with worry and with only coins in her purse Satiny came across a public telephone box and it was whilst in there she had found my business card. The cards were innocent enough but the message could have been misinterpreted by a dirty mind. I’d recently learned the art of basket weaving (compulsory in Holloway) so I’d used this talent to earn a few bob at home, a sort of cottage industry. The card said, “Chair bottoms re-caned, phone Mistress Flange” followed by my number, and there was a little black and white drawing of a women clad in thigh high boots holding a length of birch, I had them done cheap in a motorway service station. And that’s how Satiny came into my “Repair of rustic furniture business”, however she proved to be rubbish at it, but a dab hand with a feather duster and hoover, getting into all those little nooks and crannies, so much so that I employed her as my maid instead, and what a god send she has been. Her first words upon entering my home were “cor, look at the twinklys on that shandyleer” but as you know things have turned ugly over the years and I'm not talking about Satiny's face.

3 comments:

  1. It's just like My Fair Lady!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Have you been peeping through my keyhole again Ayem8y? I swear it wasn't me doing that exotic dance with a ball of wool.

    Yes, it's all true, but let me tell you all how it started.

    I hate cleaning, who doesn’t? Life’s to short to clean an oven or dust the skirting boards, and a Hoover is something you hang your coat on when you return home from a night out. So imagine one night 15 years ago when I received a phone call from someone, a complete stranger who was in distress asking me, NO begging me for a job and lodgings. This is how it all began…

    Satiny’s mother “Joy” was concerned that there was no male influence in Satiny’s life. Well, nothing permanent anyway. She worried that growing up in an all female environment might make it hard for Satiny to relate to men as she got older and she felt she needed a male role model. Joy expressed her concerns to Madame flint the head of the household, and for once they agreed that Satiny who is no beauty should be “sent away” One Sunday evening after bath time, Joy was singing a soothing lullaby whilst brushing her daughter’s long lank hair “I know of a wonderful place where you’ll have the chance to mix with members of the opposite sex” said Joy as she was removing a big fat mother nit from the clutch of eggs from Satiny's head and dispersing it with a loud crack between her nails. “It’s not far away, it’s an abbey in England, and the monks there are really kind”. So, that’s how at the tender age of 32, Satiny left her native New Zealand on a one-way plane ticket to England and was sent to live at Jervaulx abbey for the time of her life. However, it wasn’t to be, as Jervaulx Abbey lied in ruins, and has done for centuries. Her mother was seeing a punter at the time, a hypnotist by trade, and Joy had undergone hypnotic regression back to the time when she was a monk in a former life, and ever since she's been confused with her past life and her present one the two would merge and she would often pee standing up as a result.

    Frantic with worry and with only coins in her purse Satiny came across a public telephone box and it was whilst in there she had found my business card. The cards were innocent enough but the message could have been misinterpreted by a dirty mind. I’d recently learned the art of basket weaving (compulsory in Holloway) so I’d used this talent to earn a few bob at home, a sort of cottage industry. The card said, “Chair bottoms re-caned, phone Mistress Flange” followed by my number, and there was a little black and white drawing of a women clad in thigh high boots holding a length of birch, I had them done cheap in a motorway service station. And that’s how Satiny came into my “Repair of rustic furniture business”, however she proved to be rubbish at it, but a dab hand with a feather duster and hoover, getting into all those little nooks and crannies, so much so that I employed her as my maid instead, and what a god send she has been. Her first words upon entering my home were “cor, look at the twinklys on that shandyleer” but as you know things have turned ugly over the years and I'm not talking about Satiny's face.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It all turned horribly wrong.

    ReplyDelete